Lost

Originally I was going to name this article "hook-up woes" but as i started writing it I realized that the title I gave it doesn't really match the tone or the message of the article. I just hope that you don't end up lost by the end.

This is article is about me and my dealings with females over the years which has brought me ultimately to where I am now..Completely Lost.. This is coming from me. I know women. I have my whole life. I honestly don't know how this happened to me...like God played a joke on me. He gave me 3 sisters, all of my non college friends are girls, and out of 5 cousins only 1 of them is male. I know women. Ive been surrounded by stories of cheating men and failed relationships. Listened in on countless convos laced with constant complaining about the irreparable immaturity of all men since i was a boy. At first this made me want to be the perfect guy. The guy I thought all girls wanted. I wanted to be reliable and smart, witty and appreciative, caring and a good listener etc. That mentality backfired on me big time. This kept me in the dreaded friend zone a place where I hated to be but felt like it would benefit me in the long run. Another backfire. All of these failed attempts to figure out what girls really wanted from a guy caused me to become very cynical about relationships. Through college in my group of "bruhs" I was the quintessential single guy and I wasn't budging any time soon. Most of my male friends had been in multiple (failed) relationships which in essence was my first argument against it. I figured whats the point if its just gonna end anyway. My second argument was that I felt that once I figured girls out I could get everything a man needs from a girl without dating her. So began my quest to figure out first how to get women to think of me as more than just a friend and then to get whatever I wanted from them on my own terms. It took some time, but I figured it out. And as some people say, "its not about the destination its about the journey" so come with me as i bring you on a trip down memory lane. A year by year assessment and analyzation of my college experience with girls save the graphic details and embarassing stories.

Take a look at 05/06 Jonny

Clearly this guy has a serious case of "I dont know who I am" a very common issue among college students. Look at him, Posing for the camera thinking hes cool. This guy got little to no action. Why? Because he cared too much about feelings and shit. He was clasping to his previous good guy image thinkin that was gonna work in college. WTF was he thinking!?!?




06/07 Jonny

This guy has a boost of confidence and some new found male friends. Finally a male perspective for him to glean from. This helped. Things are starting to heat up for him but not with the success he would have liked. This was his problem. He used to come at girls with no plan. He winged it every time. Wingin it works every once and awhile but this dude used to wing it every time hoping to receive the same results. I dont work like that dog. You got some learning to do.





07/08 Jonny

This guy is coming into his own. Finally figuring himself out. This time hes coming at girls with a plan. Things with girls have gotten easier now. He no longer is winging it. He knows whats gonna work. This guy hit some high points this academic year. I think the only problem with this Jonny is that he liked to play with girls hearts a lttle bit too much. He thought it was fun at the time then he would feel really bad later. It can't work like that. This is never a way to live. You gotta care or not care at all. Anything in the middle and you'll go crazy. And he did. In spite of this , in retrospect this would have been the perfect year for him to try the relationship thing. he would been a good boyfriend here. Too bad. But it was cool because getting girls was getting even easier. He was amazed at the things he could say and it still worked. He came to the conclusion that it almost didnt matter what you say thats right as long as you dont say the wrong thing. What a realization.


08/09 Jonny

This guy knows he has finally caught up with himself. He wasnt trying to be grown up...he was. This guy had accepted everything good and bad about himself and this brought the confidence to another level. Not to mention he knew he was about to leave college pretty soon. It was time to cut things from the bucket list. It was a glorious year. This guy would never have gotten in a relationship for the simple fact that it would disrupt this impressive run he was on. This year brought some of the most fun, most bizzare and some of the most efficiently executed schemes having to do with girls. Dated occasionly and never seriously. Hooked up with who he wanted when he wanted and for whatever length of time he chose. He finally got what he wanted: any and every interaction with girls happened on his time. It only took him 4 years to figure it out. And with a bachelors degree and a jubilant walk across the stage, it all came to an end.


This is me a couple months ago. I look confused dont I? I am. I thought I had it all figured out but i learned quickly that college is a great place to learn somethings but there's so much more to learn...even about myself. Like how an I going to act when I get in a relationship. I am still a little cynical about the idea but I accept that relationship failure is apart of life and its more about getting practice at this point. I can go through some bust downs and then move onto the the upper "enchalon" hos...(that was a joke..but serious though) Im seeing now that the real world is a whole other ball game and I dont have a game plan when it comes to women. But its all good I guess I did it to myself. If you've ever seen the movie "No Country for Old Men" the main character Tommy Lee Jones at the end of the movie goes on this long monologue about how one phase of his life has come to an end and now its time to move on not knowing what the future will hold. Then the movie just ends abruptly....yeah.

What's wrong with: Hooters

Maybe the issue is simply with me? Perhaps I am simply wrong? These questions quietly go through my mind as I leave one of my favorite restaurants. The food is always good, the beer is always cold, and the price may not be a bargain you always get your money’s worth. So why do I always leave a Hooters restaurant with mixed feelings?

What’s Right

The Wings-Hooter’s sells wings. Wings are brilliant. On my list of human achievements I would confidently place chicken wings above penicillin and just below the Super Nintendo. Hooters has by far the best wings I have ever eaten and are far superior to Buffalo Wild Wings for one simple reason: They are fried. Now as a black man it is not very progressive of me to say that frying something usually makes it better, but it is true. In all honestly I really don’t even understand why Hooters even bothers with menus. I feel that you should simply be asked upon entering the restaurant how many wings you would like. If you reply by saying “I would like something besides wings” I feel you should be kindly asked to leave the restaurant before the authorities are called. I am sure the other food Hooters sells is probably good, but the problem is that if I order something that aren’t wings, I wouldn’t get to eat wings, which is a problem.

Beer- Hooters also has another strong point: They sell beer. I will cover why beer is great at a later time, but until then let me simply summarize by saying beer is good. Hooters capitalizes upon this by offering their beer in super large mugs. The appeal of eating wings and drinking beer from a mug that takes two hands to pick up is blatant and if you fail to see the magic in that combination you should once again be kindly asked to leave the restaurant.

What’s Wrong

The Service- I get it, it is a restaurant for men, in the same way Spike is a TV channel for men. Apparently anything for men has to be low brow, and have plenty of scantily clad women for us to ogle at. Why do marketers love to make the assumption that if you use crude jokes, and have some woman with her flappers out that men will buy whatever you have to offer? I guess this assumption is based off of results, because if it didn’t work the trend would have surely died out. Why as men are we so content to allow ourselves to be pegged as grunting beasts who respond best to anything that satisfies our most primordial needs? I suppose the outlook is not all bad for men however as magazines such as GQ offer men a publication which features content that appeals to a men on a both a low brow and intellectual level. GQ however is a flawed magazine and I do suppose the Spike approach to men’s entertainment translates better as a restaurant than the GQ approach. I can still appreciate the concept of being served by an attractive and curvaceous woman. But at the end of the day knowing that the Hooters business model works because it draws on the crudest aspects of being a man can be disheartening.

It’s a bit creepy- I may be alone on this but I simply find the treatment the waitresses give the customers at Hooters to be unappealing at best. Why does the staff insist on sitting down at the table, calling me honey and then touching me on the back? They insist on treating the customer that way because it works. What I find to be cold and insincere, some men find it to be a perk. To the men who tip extra because of the attention they receive from the waitresses I ask this: “How empty is your life?” The concept of a man paying his check and considering how much to tip while thinking, “Hmm, well the waitress called me honey, and touched my back” simply boggles my mind. I also shudder to think that somewhere out there is a man who says to his buddies “Dude, I think that waitress likes me” after having his shoulder touched by the waitress. I may be old fashioned but I tend to tip people on the quality of the service they offered me, and not on the number of times they flirted with me.

The Verdict- Good food will do things to a man. Great food will make a man sacrifice his morals. As high and mighty as I pretend to be I am more than willing to deal with all of the negatives to enjoy nirvana in the form of a fried chicken wing. I have found that for best Hooters experience, take out works well, you get the food, you get to look at a woman with her busters all out, plus you are not limited to one measly serving of blue cheese dressing per order of wings, provided you have some of your own.

bitches w/ knives

today's topic: hookups

intro this story.
tarantino style.....

her: WHO THE FUCK is THIS CHICK?!? WHY IS SHE TEXTING YOU @ 6AM..... AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU....MU-THA-FUCK-IN....
Bob: .....? that's my sister, that message has been there since she sent it. it hasn't been read.
her: DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID??!? **puts knife closer to my nose**
Bob: no. but, you do need to calm down...and hand me my phone.

Feb. 2007

@ the house

i'm at the crib listening to game theory. i bought that album the day it came out and it was on repeat my junior year....i'm unwinding after a night of weekend college partying with my friends. i'm finishing off my 12 pack of bud select when i get a text...."u still up"....i know what that text means. anybody in the game, knows what that text means. i've dealt with her before, she went to UNCG. not far from my school. i weighed my options....thought about it.....and drove to go see her.....i get there, and of course, she's happy to see me. lingerie on, black lace. heels to match. and she's been drinking.....yeah buddy © dorrough.

i get there. drunk. i figure, not a problem...after we have sex, i'll be good to drive....nope..... so, i arrive. we exchange pleasantries. pumps 'n bump © hammer (sex, for the smart dumb cats), and she fixes some food afterwards. because, we was hungry (slave talk).... and now i have the -itis. i am tired. drunk. and definitely not in the condition to drive back (mistake #1)....i figure it's late, the sex was good, i can stay here for maybe two hours and then leave around 7am.....(mistake #2)...

i go to my car while she's getting ready for bed. i put my wallet in the glove compartment and locked it.....a few weeks earlier, i took $50 from a girl’s purse when she was in the shower because the sex was so bad. shoutout to the girl from Winter Break 2007, thanks for the change.....anyway, i come back in before she realizes i went to my car, set the alarm on my phone, and get ready to catch a few zzz's.....but.....shit.....i should've just slept outside….time for a commercial

***sidenote*** i usually delete a text message immediately after i read it, it's a habit...that night, i received a message from my sister while out. i didn't read the message, and didn't delete it because....it was my sister.....and more importantly, my mind was elsewhere... in my inebriated state, I figure if it was urgent, she would call. it's probably a chain message. so i saved the message, closed my phone, and kept partying..... (mistake #3).*** regularly scheduled program......recap: i’m at the bitch’s crib. she’s getting ready to go to sleep, and I’m laying in bed.

now....i'm sleep. i wake up. The UNCG bitch has a steak knife to my nose. i'm like, what the fuck? here comes the bullshit.... she starts yelling (the opening conversation)......she hands me the phone, and see's what the message was....she's not satisfied.... i felt like ray liotta in goodfellas, except it was a knife.....i talk to her: "if you don't believe me, call the number....see for yourself."

she doesn't call. she's more enthused with trying to get me upset, which is why she's not moving the knife. i'm too tired and drunk to yell...at this point, i make the stupidest mistake i probably have ever made in my hookup history....i took my contacts out before i went to sleep.....so not only can i not see beyond this bitch w/ the knife, i'm starting to get a headache from straining my eyes trying to see. i felt like a rookie. i was so ashamed at myself. it no longer mattered to me she had a knife, honestly....i knew i didn't do anything wrong, and we weren't even together, she was just drunk and delusional...i got up, put my shoes on, and went to pee.....while peeing, i'm recapping everything that happened....mistake 1...2....3....4. put my contacts in, and come back outside....she's crying...."I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. WHY WON'T YOU BE WITH ME.....FUCK, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO...."

i just walked out. by this point, i'm sober as shit.....i bumped too short the whole ride home..... one day on this blog, i'll write some hookup rules. i'm not a playa, but....i've been through some shit. you should listen to me.....to the girl from UNCG: you know who it is, you know what it is.....peace.

black thought

the illest MC ever.

Upcoming Week 10/18-24

5ivebruhs fans...Hope you had a great week. The Team just hit me up with the posts for this week. Im actually really excited about this week...Should be a good one.

Monday "Bitches with Knives"
by Bob George (with his "poast")
Tuesday "What's Wrong w/ Hooters"
by The Nerd (debut....bitches)
Wednesday "Hookup Woes"
by Jonny Casanova
Thursday "Adventures of a Big Nig"
by The P!ed P!per
Friday "Curves"
by The Cuban (Welcome back homie)


And remember....You can FOLLOW US @5ivebruhs on twitter.... and you can be a FAN on Facebook here.

New Underground: The Indie Rock Revolution

Hip-hop is pop culture. Hip-hop is on top. Hip-hop right now…sucks. Now, now don’t bit my head off. The deluded, auto-tune induced garbage that whines of the radio can not possibly be considered good music. I have seen many music scholars and fans (myself included) trying to justify what is occurring in hip-hop. Unfortunately the more we desire to help hip-hop, the more niggas seem to want to take the easy way out and throw it back in our face.

Hip-hop may have forgotten its underground roots, but American music hasn’t. Despite popular belief, American music is not born by the popular and the rich. Like the Blues, Jazz, Rock, Funk, etc. America’s musical genres develop in an artistic crucible that has been dubbed by my generation as the underground. This section seems to elude the penetration of the pop regime, and it is here that we see the machinations of new and exciting art forms. This is were hip-hop was created, and this is were the next great art form will be found.

Instead of lamenting the slow, painful death of hip-hop, I have embraced it and have become very excited about what is happening in Music. This is only my opinion, but I believe the next wave of music is coming from the “indie rock” scene.

Indie Rock, for those not familiar, is less a genre of music and more a movement. It represents independent bands that have stretched from the punk era, all the way to the 2000s. I was first introduced to the term with the Movie Garden State, which features an entire indie band soundtrack. The most important thing to me was that it was refreshing. It was so fucking refreshing. Yes very corny at times, some times a little haunting, but god it was different.

The amazing thing about Indie Rock is the rampant experimentation. Indie Bands do not have to answer to anyone but their fans, so the desire to experiment and find their own unique voices has an almost fervor like quality to them. I love listening to a band change dramatically from one genre to the next, and consequently reinventing what that means. These bands make no qualms about not fitting into a box, and continually jump across them.

Music is a living thing, and it is constantly growing and evolving. That is what I search for when I listen to music. I search for music that grows, that moves, that challenges my perceptions and tantalizes my emotions. When a band reaches the level of Pop, they have reached a zenith. Their only drive at that point is to stay at that level. The hunger is gone, replaced is desperation. Art is created and formed at the lowest level, striving to find an audience, hungry and passionate for expression and human connection. That is the art I love the best.

The Garden State, My introduction to the concept know as Indie rock.

Spirituality in the Black Home

Disclaimer: I was afraid to write about this topic b/c some of my past topics and future topics, but this is another aspect of me so read on.  Also, tell me I'm not the only one that had this poster in their room growing up!

So I was sitting in church on Sunday when I get a text message from Jonny Casanova asking me what my article title would be this week. I sat and I pondered for about twenty seconds then forgot all about picking a topic. Why? Because I became heavily engrossed in the song that was being played in church. If you’ve been to a black church, you know what I’m talking about. It’s like the club for black Christians. Like if you’re in the club with a drink in your hand and they play your favorite song. You look around and a few more people are letting go some of their inhibitions as they sway with their cranberry and vodka. You then feel like this is YOUR song, and that YOU must dance and let everyone know that you’re not playing games when you say you love this song. That’s what church does to black people. (And I can only speak for black people)

I sat there and began to clap my hands and pat my foot a little bit. Then next to me, on the other side of my brother there were four little kids, 3 girls and a boy, that were banging their tambourines, creating variations of the beat that the drummer was orchestrating. Three and four year olds on the off-beat, adding to the musical aroma in the church still astonishes me. Then people begin to harmonize and sing a song that they might know and might not, I did not. But you catch the words and you begin to sing your range, tenor is mine even if it’s not that good. And before you know you’re standing and singing and dancing. I look over and my grandmother is smiling up at me, teeth shining, and I look into the pulpit and the pastor’s wife makes eye contact with me and nods smiling and I do the same. I know now that I will be getting hands laid on me later in the service because she noticed I’m in town. And I look forward to this.

I then pick up my phone and text Jonny the name of this article.

For me and for many black people in America, church seems to be a place where you can enjoy yourself and make your way closer to heaven at the same time. It’s a win win. The only thing that kinda makes me feel some loss is that we start at 10am and don’t finish til about 2pm… on a good day and I have to miss my Giants play. Church is a release and provides many of us with our sense of spirituality. Being raised in a church has shaped me in many of my morals and values, whether I express them outwardly everyday or not. I guess I’m at fault there, but I think we all do it. College has been the most recent catalyst behind this.

Every day I find myself asking the Lord to forgive me of my sins, those of omission and those of commission. I know we all know we can do better, but hey we’re only human and the Lord knows that we are weak.

Spirituality surrounds me in every aspect of my life. Like last weekend I awake from this CRAZY dream. Like I’m talking about calling Bill Clinton on a cell phone while running for the DC metro in New York through a high school and through some broken levies crazy, all after my Trailblazer transformed into the caboose of a train. I joking told my mom about the dream at breakfast, and you know what she did? She smiled and says, “That’s my confirmation from the Lord. God is trying to tell you that… and she went on and on.” I for one do not see how in the world any of that has to do with God telling me anything, but I listen and take it in. This goes to show that black Christians translate any and EVERYTHING into a spiritual thing. Has shaped my life.

I’ve done some wrong in my life, and to overcome all of it I went to God. I remember a time in my life where I put all of my Christian music on a playlist and listened to that every day on my way anywhere and looked up for no one who may pass by. It was my alone time with the Lord and re-concentrating my life on what it should be. This gave me peace like no other. You may be agnostic or atheist or any other form of religious follower, even scientology, but I know that I was granted a peace like nothing before. If religion is no more than that, then I’m happy because I know I wouldn’t have gotten it any other way. This is probably due to the fact that in the black Christian household the Lord is ALWAYS in control and when I felt like all was lost, I figure it’s done for a reason.

In my church, people go to the front to have hands laid on them and prayer interceded on their behalf. These people, me included, go up front hands raised and allow the pastor to touch us and we seem to lose control once again, saying to me that God is really in control. Some people don’t even have to be touched, just getting close or feeling the breath of the pastor can send them into a frenzy of anything from sprinting and thrashing children who are in the aisles who shoulda been paying attention, to kneeling and sobbing for 15 minutes. It’s all what the Lord wants to do and black Christians are all for it.

On another note, nothing burns me up more than hypocrites of religion, especially black ones. I’m Christian but do I adhere to all the guidelines 24/7? Absolutely not. But when Al Sharpton starts talking, I have to turn the channel. And when Jeremiah Wright opened his mouth and about shot opportunity in the face, I cringed. I don’t profess to be holier than thou, but when figure heads become extreme it’s mad upsetting. They can make people who may not be so deeply rooted in it extract themselves even further. Check out Pastor Kerney Thomas….. GAWWWD WILL HEAL YOU! Man shut up! He’s a hoax. Watch this video…

I don’t really know where I wanted to go with this article other than express my fondness for the black Christian culture and thank it for shaping me, even through all the dirt that I do. I’m appreciative of influence it has had on my parents and the fact that they raised me the way that they did. The Lord is at the helm in my life and has great plans for the P!per. Lol. YESSIR!

L’Chaim… P!ed P!per

The Road to Free Thinking

Im a registered Republican. Dont kill me yet...I voted Obama I promise...Read on...

Its not my fault...I was influenced by my surroundings. Namely, my father. My father is a proud black republican a rare breed of human being. The black republican is like being an underdog for no reason...people dont pity you... defeats the purpose of being an underdog. When your a Black Republican, Black people dont wanna hear shit youve got to say about politics and if they are "very liberal" than the word Republican yields almost as much hate as the "N" word. This was a point of strife in my family because my mother NEVER talked politics. Her reasoning was :"you're not gonna change anyones opinion everyones just gonna get mad and go to bed heated". I later found out that she was a liberal Democrat. I should have picked up on the clues. She would always call Rush Limbaugh a crackhead (based on his past drug habits) everytime my dad would cite his radio show as some reference for why conservative politics is the only logical way to go. My Dad would respond quickly with " it wasnt crack it was meth amphetamines"...Nice save Dad... Anyway my dad inundated me with information about the Republican party and its practical ideals and how it was pro life and against gay marriage and all of that, yet every once in awhile he would say "But son I always want you to think for yourself." (he never knew how powerful that statement would be...backfired on his ass) And the biggest argument against the Democrats was Bill Clintons infidelity which us Christians do NOT like.
**side note** (This was at a time when religion was a SERIOUS part of our family...my mom wouldnt even let me watch pokemon cuz she sed it was demonic...Thank GOD...no pun... those days are over)

This was confusing to me because on the one hand he was telling me all the great things about one side without explaining anything about the other...being completely subjective and subsequently crippling a young persons (my) thought process. Looking back on it I realize what the attraction of being a black republican was for me. It was/is my obsession with the unconventional, my unyielding support for the underdog and those who take the road less travelled. This was so appealling to me and still is. I thought that if i knew more than the next black person enough to support my culturally unpopular politcal views than "I win". Almost as if it was a game, I would prey on the less politically knowledgeable "liberal" young blacks and beat the shit out them in debate after debate, building my confidence with every victory. I was something that I enjoyed so much, I couldnt wait to register. Check my box as a Republican and say fuck the conventional world. Then something happened...in 2001 a man that my father would big up in our houshold to no end joined the list of American presidents. His name, George Dubya. This man is someone who I credit with changing my mind about politics, political partys, Republican and Democratic ideals...everything.

Without me getting into a long repetitive and cliche' segment about how dumb the man is...ill say this, he was the first Republican I was able to observe during his entire term and I was not only unimpressed but disgusted. This was something that I could not be apart of. I was embarrassed. I was no longer proud of my unconventionally "cool" perspective. I felt that my father kinda tricked me. I was wondering how such an intelligent man ( my father) could still support such an idiot without even acknowledging his mistakes. I realized how narrow minded I had been. My arguments sounded great. They were well articulated and made sense to the common listener but were they right? Not so much, I came to realize. This was a major shift in me. It caused me to take the blinders off and really take a look at what I personally believed in and not what people were trying to force me to believe. I was liberated but not really "liberal". Now going on the Black Democrats out there. Some of you guys were tricked just like me as a kid. Your family and your familys family have been your influence and thats perfectly fine, and some of you truly are liberal which would make your decision to vote Obama a very appropriate one. But... I must say there is quite a bit of hypocrisy within black politics. We historically, for about 40 years have been voting Democrat. Yet most Bible belt/ and old school blacks believe strongly in Pro Life and the opposition of gay marriage 2 things that the Democrats fight extra hard to enact wherever it hasnt already. They vote soley based on "black issues" which they are convinced will be overlooked under Republican rule...i cant say I blame you all about that other than the fact that if you really look at it...has any president really taken a strong enough interest in our issues to warrant full support? I would venture to say no based on how things are and have been for black people even under Clinton. This was another arguement that contributed to my free thinking. I couldnt help but ask myself how many Democrats and Republicans in office truly struggle with an aspect of their party beliefs yet hypocritically vote for what they truly do not and never have believed in? Ill answer that, most likely 100%

I believe that we should do away with political parties all together, i mean i see the point...but not everyones gonna have an epiphany like I did and thats what scares me. You should vote for the guy or girl who has a much of your interests at heart. For me, this time around it happened to be Obama. Honestly I liked Biden better but whatever. I took a poll the other month, one of those"what party do you belong to" type of things I ended square in the middle hinting slightly conservative and thats the way I like it. I have my own views about things that have been shaped from life experiences moral convictions and compassion for humanity. I am a registered Republican but to me that means nothing at all. No one can put me in a box and tell me how to vote or think. I like to think of myself a proud member of the Jonny Casanova party...I vote and think how I want...


....Bitches.

PS Two guys I would beat the shit out of on National Beat-The-Shit-Out-Of-Two-Guys Day Would be these two pushers of propaganda...

Glen Beck---->

< ----Poppa Bear Bill O'Reilly