A Trek to Titty Land

This past week I took my first trip to Los Angeles and Las Vegas. It was an epic journey.  We visited at least 80% of the more famous casinos and hotels and ate dinner at the Wicked Spoon in the Cosmopolitan. Shit made my mouth orgasm. Women and bums were numerous. The "clackers" were in full effect handing out pamphlets for poon as children walked by. This place is outta control. While in Vegas my boys and I decided that if we were in the area we might as well go to one of the most well known titty bars in Vegas, Spearmint Rhino.  Word on the street was we were in for a treat. We were.

I've never been a fan of titty bars, so my excitement level wasn't as high as my women thirsty buddies. But when we found out that they will pick you up anywhere on the strip for free and waive the $30 cost of admission, I perked up. I'm a frugal muh fucka. So we posted up outside of the world famous Caesar's Palace, drink in hand patiently waiting for the ride.  Every city needs to adopt the open container law.  To my surprise, no random dude in a crown vic pulled up, but rather we got Gary. Gary was an eastern European guy dressed to a T. Fresh suit and was driving a brand new Cadillac ATX.  Boss. He opened the doors for the four of us and we hoped in. After some small talk about ass, titties and the whip, we arrived at the back door. We gave the driver $40 and after a quick pat down we were in.

Damn. Wow. Ass. Titties. Beer. Liquor. We had made it to the land of lost dreams. If you like women, and I love them, then you will find one that fits your desires here. Skinny. Thick. Short. Tall. Big tits. Small tits and everything in between. Black, White, Puerto Rican and Asian. Lebanese, Pakistani and Russian.  It was nuts.  The place probably had a 2:1 ratio of horny fiends to hoes.

We made our way to the cashier to get our tickets to heaven. One dollar bills. That bitch was rude. Probably because no one was dropping duckets to see her droopy ass fun bags. She was quite unimpressive.  Now as we scrambled around looking for a spot to post up to assess the situation, my feelings on titty bars began to surface. Don't get a brotha wrong, I'm wit the tit, but this fantasy world doesn't appeal to me. For those who have never been to a strip club let me layout the scenario.

There are titties that are approaching guys for money.  Now these boobs don't talk, but they might as well be. Dudes are sitting around having a drink with some friends and a beautiful specimen walks up and has a seat. On his lap. He doesn't fight it, but rather he feels special and starts talking to her. Before you know it, 2Chainz drops over the speakers and she whispers in his ear to which he nods. Transaction done. She grinds on his dick and balls as his friends pretend they're not looking until she stands up, takes her cash and tries to convince the customer to buy some private time.  If she held the shit down and worked ol buddy he'll give in and she will pretend to be his girlfriend. Girls leading guys around by hand like pups on a leash. In the back, they get a more private area and I'm guessing she gets completely naked and dances all over him. He rubs down her boobs and butt and after a while its over. She takes his $140 and is gone.  In the case of one of my friends, however, she might just suck the D.  I was shocked, but deep down I knew this was going down. Evidently she asked for no extra cash, but thought he was a decent guy so she blew him like Chicago Winds.


While the debauchery of mouth to dick massage occurs, I'm sitting stage side taking in all of the women and their tricks.  Pretzel was amazing. This bitch should be in Cirque Du Soleil. She was able to wrap one leg around the pole while the other was held by her ear as she held her body perpendicular to the floor all while making her ass clap.  She also did one handed hand stands ass clapping the whole time. I was impressed, as was the crowd, and the sea of money below was proof of that. All in all it was a hell of an experience. We left at 3am and walked the strip until 630am. It was a good night.

My take on strip clubs. Still not a fan. Its not real.  If I'm getting titties on my face, I'm gonna touch them. And I did. But it had to stop there. Its not fair and not worth my cash.  Its an experience I implore you to try, but be weary. Titties talk and the talk ain't cheap. Will I go back? Sho'nuff. I give into peer pressure. I enjoy myself no matter where I am and I love a $10 Coors Light (sarcasm) but going to one won't be my idea.  Titties and ass. Two of my favorite things. But I prefer them for free. I mean at least make me think its free. I know I pay for both when I take chicks on dates and smash, but camouflage that shit.  For my soul's sake.