Why Black People Hate Macklemore

I first heard Macklemore while listening to NPR tiny desk concert back in February of this year. He played 3 tracks, Same Love, Thrift Shop, and Hands Up or whatever that track is called. Anyway I heard this guy and thought cool, this kinda bohemian white rapper with this trumpet player that looks like they found him playing on a beach in Jamaica selling coconut water for a dollar to tourists. Oh and they got this fat nigga singing the hook who looks like a cast member from Sister Act 2. I had no idea this dude was about to take over my radio and television for the subsequent half year. This man is a phenom.  He's an underground/internet sensation who is making guap off 3 tracks with no major label. I give him a lot of credit and personally find him to be a decent artist. Not my cup of tea but I get why he's popular. With that said let me continue...

This post is dedicated to the most entertaining combination of social media and pop culture that exists: Black Twitter + Any award show. This is the time when all the blackest funniest rachetest amateur twitter comedians come out to entertain the masses. It also happens to be one of my favorite hobbies. While watching the VMAs I noticed that Macklemore caught some serious (and hilarious) hate from followers. ie one of my followers tweeted "Macklemore is the white guy you date when you realize that you only date black guys" I was trying to figure out why Black People hate Macklemore so much and I think I figured it out.

Lets start this by saying black people are THE HARDEST race to please.  You ever seen Showtime at the Apollo? You better entertain us quick or we will sandman your ass off stage so fast you will wish you never saw a stage in your life. We are HARSH. Not only do we want our cake, we want to eat it obviously BUT it better be our favorite cake with a cold glass of milk.  Oh and dont let us find out that another race got a better cake cuz we'll want that one too.  With that said we are very protective over our music.  We have no problem with other races participating in music we create but you better damn sure make it some music that we like.  A couple years back I wrote a post called 10 White People that Black People Love.  Some notable musicians on the list included Justin Timberlake, Robin Thicke, Eminem, Michael McDonald (lol) I explained why black people love them and the points ring so true to this post that I felt compelled to bring them to the attention of the readers.

 So here is a list of the reasons I came up with.

Why Black People Hate Macklemore.

1. He's white (and rich)

this is sad but true. If your a rapper and white and rich, you've already got some ground to cover before your getting the black vote.

2.  He has no Black cosigners.

If you notice all the white musicians we love have respected Black friends JT got Jay Z.  Eminem has Dre , Robin Thicke has the envy of every Man on his arm in Paula Patton. We respect that and that brings me to the next point.

3. Macklemore dates a white woman.

Now you might be thinking, well he IS White, BUT I guarantee if he showed up to the VMAs with a black woman or at least acknowledged he like Black Chicks he would get more love.

4.  He's got corny music. 

Now this should be at the top of the list since we are discussing music but unfortunately its clear that we Black peopel don't give a shit whether your music sucks...if your Black (2 chains, lil Wayne, Trinidad, etc...)

5. His only black friends look like some really humble fat nigga
 formally of  the Harlem Boys Choir all grown up (Ray Dalton) and that nigga with dreads that hangs out in front the coffee shop reciting original poetry at 12 noon who you're still not sure is homeless or not.  (his trumpet player)

Long story short.  We dont understand Macklemore.  He's "weird" black people dont do weird, and we really dont like different (so sad). We dont know how to pronounce his name and we hope he'll be forgotten before we actually figure out how to say it right.  I'm sorry Macklemore.  We're not jumping on your bandwagon anytime soon. 

The Hip Hop Happy Meal

http://c.cslacker.com/2872l.jpg

Upon listening to J Cole, and Wale’s new album, I find myself getting increasingly frustrated with mainstream hip-hop artists these days. Hip Hop has fallen into a value menu kind of production, where you look at an artist album list and you find yourself able to tell what a song is about based on title and whose featured. What’s even more bitchass about this problem is even the beats are predictable. It’s like going to McDonald's and selecting a value menu. You know exactly how much it will be, how it will taste, and even essentially what it will look like. You don’t go to McDonald's for variety, but the same old shit. And just like McDonald's, these Value Menu flows are unhealthy to the art. These artist stay in their lane, get their checks and pump out the same recycled Starbucks raps that you can find on any one of their features.

THE HIP HOP MEAL MENU!

$3.99 The Nicki Minaj Ass Clap

http://mtv-tv.mtvnimages.com/images/flipbooks-1/nicki-minaj-butt-gifs/nicki-minaj-bum-21.gif?width=500

“Hey I got Nicki Minaj on a verse.” “Oh Word.” “Yep, Guess what’s the song about.” “Ummm deep resonating story of how you escape poverty?" “Nope.” “Hard in the paint flow, where both of you use words in new and interesting ways?” “Nah nigga.” “ASS ASS ASS?” “Hell Yeah, how you know?”

$5.00 High Ass a Kite Khalifa

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m34a8xl2rG1qjpwpao1_500.gif

Wiz takes the best of the Pharcycde, whittles it down too only their smoking references, takes out all the humor and wonderful word play, lights a blunt himself, forgets what the song was about in the first place, lights another blunt, says Taylor Gang a couple times, lights a third blunt, naps, and then lays 16 bars of pure garbage.

$7.99 Rick Rosay Super Size

http://standrivel.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/rick-ross-shirtless-3.jpg

B.I.G and Jay perfected the God Father rap. Rick Ross made it a cliché.

$6.00 Gisfucthekjaubaubgibg Wheezy Baby

http://cdn.rtny.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/wayne11.jpg

Half the time I have no idea what this brother is saying. The other half I wish I didn’t.

$8.00 For the Girls Flow

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr4n00gEz41r25jxgo1_250.jpg

Drake’s one of those artists that is hit or miss for me. Out of anyone on this list, I truly believe Drake is pushing the envelope. He took Kayne’s backpack pour my heart out style of rap, got rid of the black conscious part, and turned it mainstream. Like making a Black Panther movie distributed by Disney. However if you want that song where teenagers can hold each other close at prom, you go to Drake.

$2.00 2 Chainz 2 line Dr. Seuss

http://icarly.ytv.com/assets/4/image/2012/05/04/55150_1316992128.jpg

Ever notice how 2 chains can only really rap 2 lines at a time. That’s because he can only think 2 lines at a time.

$.99 Jock T-Pain’s entire Image: The Future

 Can't afford Miguel or Chris Brown. Need a tone deaf rapper sing on track so bad even auto tune can't help. Don't want to pay T-Pain. Yep, you got The Future.

100 Pesos Trinidad James’ What The Fuck

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ll7365XmWK1qe9bil.gif

I just can’t.