Tuesday, October 29, 2013

my online dating experience

i created an account on plenty of fish two years ago. i was single. i was hooking up with random women already, figured i might as well see what the online world had to offer.  my profile read something like this:

princeishere06  (of course you knew Prince would be involved)

about me:
fantasy football and basketball enthusiast
connoisseur of fried poultry
the wire is king
sports fanatic
lover of stouts, porters, and IPAs
wears a large amount of plaid
alpha male
voracious reader of wsj, time, and reddit
knows all of the words to sinbad’s brain damaged 1991 comedy special
better than you at trivia and words with friends
speaks fluent dude
has not eaten at burger king since 2006; mcdonalds since 2011


what i’m looking for
loves a woman who’s a go getter. a corporate woman. think daryl hannah in wall street
ass is a must
glasses are a plus
tattoos are the cherry on top
drinks alcohol
good taste in music and food
does yoga

what i’m not looking for:
a woman who wants to go to church or discuss her faith
women who have cats
heavyset women (i didn’t know they were called BBW’s in the online world)
neo-soul lovers.

then i hit submit and walked away. did the george jefferson strut and thought i would be swimming in hoes for the weekend.

i couldn’t have been more wrong. i had options, but man….talk about a letdown. the ones i didn’t think were attractive, i didn’t respond too. i decided to keep the profile up for one day, just go on two dates, and close the account.

after weeding out the potentials, the hell no’s, the lol’s, and the no-thank-you-my-nubian-sister’s…I went on two dates: one black, one white.
two dates. one day.

first the white girl…teacher, 33.
ok…in the picture she sent me, she was a 9. when i actually met up with her, it was the same girl, but….she was a 4. she was built like a mexican maid. this was the most “happy to be out woman” i’ve ever encountered. she spent 5 mins. praising the d├ęcor, the LIT’s, the waitress…anything that was in the bar, she was pleased with. the one thing you need to know about this date was she spent 20 to 30 minutes talking about why the rap game needed more of lupe fiasco. when she made her point, i wrapped it up. that’s a strong no-no.

black girl:
she was kinda slow. i noticed this from jump. she suggested we meet at a certain lounge in charlotte she frequents often….i get there before her….and she calls to tell me she can’t find the lounge; although, she has a GPS in her BMW. i’m at the bar and have already ordered a drink while I’m waiting on her. she shows up and has an attitude. complains that I didn’t put forth the effort to help her find the place, completely forgetting the fact that she suggested the spot. i make a quick joke, she relaxes, and proceeds to tell me about her life: she’s 28. no job. she’d been married twice…she could’ve said she shot OJ after those three things because i wasn’t paying attention. she had a great body though. jammers were out. nice ass.  she’s talking and she starts to like me more based on her talking more…i honestly just lobbed layup questions so she could talk about herself…..then it was time to wrap it up. 

she said she had a great time, and wanted to go on an official date. stated i had potential…and that she wanted me to meet her mother at the cheesecake factory to introduce myself to the family…sometimes people say things and you want to let them down with care, this was not one of those times. i had to let her know, and give no room for hope or error. i wish i would’ve smashed first and then not gone to cheesecake Factory. however, based on her seeming kinda crazy, that’s some pussy you can keep, and her pussy prolly had some mileage…this led me to wonder what the over/under is for cheesecake factory dates her mom has had with her. based on being married twice at 28, and the size of her yaddameans, i’m going at least 20. niggas are clever and will wait for sex.

i saw the black girl out a few weekends ago….she fell off. back then, she was a 9. now, she’s a 3. she had the look of a woman who hates her kid, for what the kid did to her body.

them perky jammers just look sad now.

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