Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Today's Random Thoughts (Includes my list of Kimmy indicators.)

Here are some random things I've thought about or have been wondering due to some recent events... Maybe I'll turn one or two of them into full blown posts later to explain the train of thought., if Lil' Wayne  or Chris Brown punches you in the face in front of all your boys would you take it like a bitch and fall hoping to make money, or whoop his ass? I got pride, I would make the wrong decision.

~I know everyone on Facebook is getting married, but to all the chicks who are just eager to find a husband, relax. When a dude smells that on you, they can play you like a fool.

~I hate when its dark when you get to work and dark when you leave this time of year. Its especially bad if your building has no windows.

~I'm pretty sure I cut off my co-worker Brian hardcore on my way to work this morning. Like swerve into the median almost cut off.  He's usually cool with me, but today he's acting shady. How many 1998 gold Maxima's with Maryland plates are there?

~Don't look for me on November 15th. PS4 arrives. I will emerge from my dark hole two weeks later only to eat turkey, mac and cheese and greens. I will then disappear again until my birthday.

~I miss video stores like Blockbuster. At least you could drop your movie in the box and leave. I hate when people see you're just trying to return one at the Redbox and they take 10 minutes to decide on a title. Rude.

~I don't get Instagram. It seems like a narcissist's dream. I recently learned the term "thirst trap". WTF.

~I also don't get Vine. I get that sometimes they can be funny, but mostly people just look like fools and when Terrio gets older, he's gonna loathe those videos. Vine is a fad. It will die soon I hope.

~I still can't believe Breaking Bad is done. Homeland is now the best show on TV and I'm still trying to watch Scandal. Sorry Jonny, shit ain't that amazing.

~If its your birthday and I notice it on Facebook and I know you didn't write on my wall for mine, I will not write on yours. I'm just not that nice. If you did write on mine, I'm sorry I missed yours.

~I have to agree with Bob George and online dating. No lie, 93% of the girls who hit me up on there look like the second chick in your post. Also, most of the chicks online are strange and usually have strange sexual requests/tendencies. I'll stop there.

~If I see someone in black face on Halloween, I will call them the N-word. I will then try to dap them up. If they can't dap me up naturally, I will get extremely offended, start a fight and feel justified in beating them up. I think this strategy will deter them from doing this again. Its like a "black test" and they will realize its too risky to be offensive. These tests include dapping up correctly and naturally.

~I wish Optimus Negro well in grad school, but that dude needs to come back on the blog soon. I need that weird nerdy shit he talks about back in my life.

~For ten million dollar$, would you rather flip the switch on the electric chair for a known terrorist or a serial rapist?

~If you won the lottery, who would you give money? Those are your friends, everyone else is not.

~"Megatron" and "Dez Bryant" really don't  belong in the same sentence. 

~My CrossFit total is currently 1065lbs. I'm happy.

~We been talking about doing a podcast for over three months. I don't think its gonna happen because we're super lazy.

~I date a Kimmy, so I guess I have a few more indicators to go along with Jonny.
*If she doesn't mind pitbulls
*If she hates the New England Patriots she's a Kimmy because they usually don't have that many black players. Inversely, if a black chick likes the Pats, she loves white dudes.
*If you remember her in high school (or presently I guess) and she's worn jeans with no back pockets.
*If she smokes Newports.
*If she orders liquor at the bar she is most likely a Kimmy. If she orders brown liquor though, she most definitely is a Kimmy.
*If she was in any of those multicultural groups in college.*If her shoe size is greater than a 9.
*If you ever see a girl in a bar singing every word to a Ja Rule, DMX or Michael Jackson song she's a Kimmy. Will Smith songs don't count.
*She watches Scandal.
*She knows what mumbo sauce is.
*If she gets excited when Back that Azz comes on. Jump on it. She probably can't dance for shit, but she's a Kimmy.

~There are also tests to tell if a black dude is down with white girls. Point to a black dude. You're done and you win. He's down.

~Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike! Guess what day it is?! HUMP DAAAAAAAY!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

my online dating experience

i created an account on plenty of fish two years ago. i was single. i was hooking up with random women already, figured i might as well see what the online world had to offer.  my profile read something like this:

princeishere06  (of course you knew Prince would be involved)

about me:
fantasy football and basketball enthusiast
connoisseur of fried poultry
the wire is king
sports fanatic
lover of stouts, porters, and IPAs
wears a large amount of plaid
alpha male
voracious reader of wsj, time, and reddit
knows all of the words to sinbad’s brain damaged 1991 comedy special
better than you at trivia and words with friends
speaks fluent dude
has not eaten at burger king since 2006; mcdonalds since 2011


what i’m looking for
loves a woman who’s a go getter. a corporate woman. think daryl hannah in wall street
ass is a must
glasses are a plus
tattoos are the cherry on top
drinks alcohol
good taste in music and food
does yoga

what i’m not looking for:
a woman who wants to go to church or discuss her faith
women who have cats
heavyset women (i didn’t know they were called BBW’s in the online world)
neo-soul lovers.

then i hit submit and walked away. did the george jefferson strut and thought i would be swimming in hoes for the weekend.

i couldn’t have been more wrong. i had options, but man….talk about a letdown. the ones i didn’t think were attractive, i didn’t respond too. i decided to keep the profile up for one day, just go on two dates, and close the account.

after weeding out the potentials, the hell no’s, the lol’s, and the no-thank-you-my-nubian-sister’s…I went on two dates: one black, one white.
two dates. one day.

first the white girl…teacher, 33.
ok…in the picture she sent me, she was a 9. when i actually met up with her, it was the same girl, but….she was a 4. she was built like a mexican maid. this was the most “happy to be out woman” i’ve ever encountered. she spent 5 mins. praising the d├ęcor, the LIT’s, the waitress…anything that was in the bar, she was pleased with. the one thing you need to know about this date was she spent 20 to 30 minutes talking about why the rap game needed more of lupe fiasco. when she made her point, i wrapped it up. that’s a strong no-no.

black girl:
she was kinda slow. i noticed this from jump. she suggested we meet at a certain lounge in charlotte she frequents often….i get there before her….and she calls to tell me she can’t find the lounge; although, she has a GPS in her BMW. i’m at the bar and have already ordered a drink while I’m waiting on her. she shows up and has an attitude. complains that I didn’t put forth the effort to help her find the place, completely forgetting the fact that she suggested the spot. i make a quick joke, she relaxes, and proceeds to tell me about her life: she’s 28. no job. she’d been married twice…she could’ve said she shot OJ after those three things because i wasn’t paying attention. she had a great body though. jammers were out. nice ass.  she’s talking and she starts to like me more based on her talking more…i honestly just lobbed layup questions so she could talk about herself…..then it was time to wrap it up. 

she said she had a great time, and wanted to go on an official date. stated i had potential…and that she wanted me to meet her mother at the cheesecake factory to introduce myself to the family…sometimes people say things and you want to let them down with care, this was not one of those times. i had to let her know, and give no room for hope or error. i wish i would’ve smashed first and then not gone to cheesecake Factory. however, based on her seeming kinda crazy, that’s some pussy you can keep, and her pussy prolly had some mileage…this led me to wonder what the over/under is for cheesecake factory dates her mom has had with her. based on being married twice at 28, and the size of her yaddameans, i’m going at least 20. niggas are clever and will wait for sex.

i saw the black girl out a few weekends ago….she fell off. back then, she was a 9. now, she’s a 3. she had the look of a woman who hates her kid, for what the kid did to her body.

them perky jammers just look sad now.

Monday, October 28, 2013

How to spot a "Kimmy"

So were calling them "Kimmy's" tentatively.  It didn't take long to come up with, it kind of flowed and we decided that its at least a decent place holder until we come up with something better....Forgive me, it would seem as though you've entered in the middle of a conversation.  Well then you'd be correct.  Me and Brudda J have been talking about this for a minute and when I say "minute" I mean maybe a couple of days.  Ok let me get to the meat of this. I and some other 5ivebruhs contributors have come to the conclusion that  very much like women and their "gaydar" Black men particularly of the millennial generation have developed an evolved perception which allows us to determine (sometimes on sight) if a white woman likes Black dudes.  We have not figured out what we will call this perception but we have determined what we will call the women. I will refer you to the first sentence.  "Kimmy's" as you might have surmised is a reference to the famed socialite and newly wed of the superproducer Kanye West.  Fitting. Dont' you agree?  Of course you do.  Now in order to make this post remotely worth reading I would be remiss if I did not give some of the less obvious signs that a white woman like's prefers or would consider dating sleeping with or marrying a Black man.  This science is incredibly flawed and to call is "science" is admittedly laughable but I think we've all figured that out by now.  Anyway, this, like women's gaydar, is a very delicate and situationally oriented perceptual theory for which research has been collected for many years.  Let us take a journey into the history of popular media to some of the more culturally relevant examples of this phenomenon.  The first that comes to mind for me is "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner".  Brown man, lilly white woman catches everyone off guard.  No man would have been able to guess she was into black dudes especially in that time.  Made for a great flick but I have a better example.  "To Kill a Mockingbird" If you haven't seen the movie then you're slippin but MayElla in this film exhibits text book "Kimmy" behavior.  She was having this strong black dude come over and do house work until one day when she asked him to bust up that damn chifferobe she could no longer contain her "Kimmy" and jumped his ass.  Classic. 

Now to expedite this post I will run the risk of making this more offensive than it already has been or would be if I could explain these in full detail.  I will now retreat to the list-post cliche. Forgive me.

She might be a "Kimmy" if....

She has red hair - Dont ask me why it just seems to be a trend

She has studied abroad to Africa or Central America

She is from another country - England, Eastern Europe, The Caribbean Islands are your best bets not South Africa though or any South American countries, not sure why.

Her best friend is black

If she isn't rail thin (which is a nice way of saying if she has what a Black man would describe as a fat ass)

She wears puffy jackets in the winter

She owns a pair of Timberlands

She is visibly a hipster

She knows who Juicy J is

Martin Luther King is her hero

She played organized sports in highschool and/or college

She talks about how cute mixed babies are

Let me say this before you judge.  I guarantee you EVERY black man who has gone to college has experienced at least 3 of the above generalized pigeon holed stereotype-based descriptions.  We just now have a name for what they are and can further collect data for future research to prepare our young brown youth.

And to the closet "Kimmy's" I would suggest you DFTF...if you dont know what that is, this link might help --->

Monday, October 21, 2013

martin luther king jr.

imma grow up....and get ALL da hoes.

in the case of 5 mo. old Jefferson Davis King....Martin, you are NOT the father.
i fucked three of your hoes and UOENO 
what these bitches want from us?

caught hustlin work...real niggas do real things. suited and booted.

sweet potato smile



she got my nose.......damn.

5ivebruhs the Podcast?

Yeah I said it! I've been wanting to do this for awhile now.  Me and Bob George( the 5ivebruhs contributor if you didnt know) have been talking this idea for a couple months now.  Unbenounced to me he had the idea before I did and had been an avid podcast listener for a minute.  I however didn't quite know there was even a big enough audience for a podcast but have recently been bitten by the podcast bug.  I think it would be a fantastic idea.  Being a musician and sound guru I love opportunities to record and create format and I think we can put together a pretty entertaining show bringing a voice (pun intended) to our contributors and be able to express a little more of our personalities, plus I think it'll just be a lot of fun!

 We have been lucky enough to get a pretty strong following recently and we've been thinking about ways that we can take the blog to another level and this would be a perfect time to do it if you ask me.  Months ago when we first were in talks about a podcast I was still a new listener and I knew I was going to need to do some more research if we were going to start this.  I began digging through the internet and found some podcast that I now listen to on a consistent basis.  Some of them are funny, some are informative and some rachet, some I can't listen to everyday some I can't wait to hear what the next episode has in store.  Its become my new pastime at work to have something coming through the speakers during work or downtime or the rare moment I get in the gym.  What I love about podcasts is also what I love about the internet.  No rules (yet).  We can be as crude and funny and inappropriate or just as real as we want and its up to you the audience to determine the popularity of it not the FCC.  I just think that the internet and social media gives us a lot of opportunity to share opinions and open up dialogue and the blog is a fun way to do this but a podcast has intfinitely more possibility.  Let us know what you think about the idea in the comments below.  I'd like to get this started soon in the coming months!

Here are some podcasts that I've been listening to lately:

Bomani Jones - The Evening Jones (Sports Pop Culture)
Combat Jack - The Combat Jack Show (Hip Hop Culture)
DJ Ben Hameens - Fan Bros (Black Nerd Central) *also a great blog
Kid Fury's - The Read  ( Sometimes Kid Fury is just a little tooo gay for me to listen to and for that reason I will cut the podcast short, but he's still funny as shit!)

less ferequently i'll check out...
Marc Maron's - WTF
Will Sasso and Chris Delia's - Ten Minute Podcast

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Financial Tips for Our Generation (Automatic Budgeting and Saving)

I usually like to start my posts with disclaimers, and this will be no exception. I am in no way a financial advisor. This is a post for people who are looking for an easy way to start/improve your budgeting. You would have to speak to another author of this blog for investments and such as that is his expertise and career. I do, however, work with money and budgets in my job. I've also been characterized as frugal, thrifty (my new favorite) and "the cheapest and most money conscious mutha fugga I know" on more occasions (Jonny Casanova) then I care to share. I've helped my parents get their finances in order, friends and my live-in. I enjoy helping people with some of the tips and things I have learned that make me a bit more fiscally responsible. In this day and age there are alot of means to budget electronically that everyone doesn't know that can make budgeting automatic. There are a four pillars to this automatic budget strategy. Income, bills, savings and allotments/accounts. Also learn to utilize spreadsheets. Put that education to work pimpin.

I n c o m e what you make. I'm surprised by how many people that ask me about finances that have no idea how much money they make each month after taxes. This will be your barometer for everything you do. Look at your pay stubs for your net income as that's all that really matter. Uncle Sam is going to get his until you die. Chalk it up as a loss. If you get paid twice a month, times the net income on one pay stub by two. You now have your monthly income. Don't worry about those months you get three paychecks or whatever. Trust me, its always better to low ball it. If you work on commission, give yourself a modest estimate. I'll tell you why later.

B i l l s off, fuck em. Now that that's out of all of our systems time to add them up. There are fixed bills and variable bills. Fixed bills include things that just won't change from month to month by more than $10. Rent/mortgate, utilities (I'll tell you how to make utilities fixed next paragraph), student loans, minimum credit card payments, car note and insurance, and home/renters insurance are some of the heavy hitters. Time to factor in your variable bills. These include things that can change every month depending on use. This is where you can save some money if possible. Groceries, gas, transportation means (if you use public) are the first ones that come to mind for me, but you probably have others. Be very generous with this number, nothing worse than spending more than you planned.  Keep fixed and variable bills separate but they will both be taken from your income but you might be able to find wiggle room in variable costs. You should have a number now. Look at it and say fuck em again. Feels good right?

Utilities can be made fixed by calling up your water, gas and electric company and seeing if they offer budget billing or monthly installment options. This is where they take the average amount of utilities you or the previous tenant use and charge you that amount whether you go over or under. Try your damndest to be conservative and always be under that average no matter the time of year but especially in winter since you shouldn't be running the a/c. You'll receive a check when they re-average it every six months or so. It'll make you smile when you get it because its your money. I'm under about $40 a month by opening windows and running fans. Six months times $40 means I'll get about a $200 check. Nice! (in my Fabolous voice) If your utilities don't offer budget programs, add them to variable bills. Won't make too big of a difference I think.

S a v i n g s
Now add what you want to be SAVING per month to your bills. IT IS A BILL. You owe yourself for being awesome homie. Pay up. You should figure out what you want to see in your savings in six months realistically and put that much away before you even see your check. This is the key to this strategy. You'll do this with the next step in allotments. This category is your everything, you can't afford to forsake it. Even if its only $100/mo, make it happen and do AS MUCH as you can. This is the account that needs to see growth every month no matter what.

A l l o t m e n t s/A c c o u n t s
Allotments are just money separation. Most employers pay in allotments if you do direct deposit. I'm not sure on the limits for everyone, but usually there is more than one. My job offers up to 8 allotments. Allotments are basically where you want your money to go for doing your job. I have four personally that I use. I term them as follows: long term savings , short term savings, real life checking and my fun checking.

Long term savings are for big future purposes like cars, homes, grad school and retirement.
Short term savings are for bigger rainy day purchases you didn't see coming like unexpected car repairs. I put up like $30/month. It may not fully cover the expense, but it can definitely help chunk them down when they come.
Real life checking is for all those bills you added up earlier. The absolute minimum you can put in here is all of the bills you added up plus $100-$200. If you can afford more, dump all the left over money here for now. Unless you're balling and can save a ton, this should receive your biggest allotment.
Fun checking is for things like eating out, hitting up happy hour, video games, getting nails did etc. Anything you don't NEED should come from this account. If you want a new big TV work on saving the money in this account. Eat out less, drink less, video game less to get that big fun purchase.

If for some reason your job doesn't do direct deposit no worries. Its 2013 and you can do all of your banking online and you should. Its easy to learn and easy to monitor, If you know what days you get paid set up recurring transfers to the accounts you've set up in the amounts you've budgeted. I use Bank of America and you can call right now and tell them to give you an e-checking account and its free. You'll even get a debit card for it for free. I'm sure your bank has some version of this.

T h e   S t r a t e g y
If you've made it this far, its time to put it into action. If your employer can do the allotments, tell them how you want them, and that's it. If no allotments, just set up the recurring transfers I described above instead. I was using the four allotments I spoke about before, though I recently set up a recurring transfer from my real life checking to my fun checking weekly (since I get paid bi-weekly). I let the recurring transfer for fun checking hit on Thursday night so I know my "allowance" for each weekend/week rather than for two weeks. Just easier I feel. So I guess my employer only has three allotments now since I combined two. They are still separate accounts. When its spent, its spent. No exceptions for "fun".  You could also give yourself cash in place of the fun account, but I like my debit card.

Set up all your bills to be paid automatically at the fixed amounts. I set my dates for rent on the first and utilities on the 15th. It happens without me having to even think about it although I do monitor is often to ensure its going according to plan. So nice. Adjust amounts as you see fit as you go along as nothing works out perfectly the first time. your savings grow with every pay check without fail. You'll love it. Also, set an upper and lower limit for your real life checking account. Take your total bills a month and add $500-$1000 if you can. Then on around the 25th of the month, make sure that account is within ±$300. If you've followed the strategy so far, you will definitely be on the plus side. If its over $300 over, move the excess to your long term savings. Bonus time for being good! Example: Your bills are $1000 so your checking goal at the end of the month should be $2000 ($1700-$2300 to allow the ±$300). If its above $2300 and sits at $2400, move $100 to long term savings or stash it in short term savings for that big trip you want to take.  My strategy is all about hiding your money from the person who endangers it the most. Yourself.

That's about it. Happy budgeting. If anything is unclear or you have a suggestion, leave a comment. I'd be glad to clarify or discuss.We can all improve.


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

twitter HOF

im quick to favorite a tweet i like...anything involving chicken, good beer, and a classic black pop culture reference, and i'm prolly gonna tap that favorite button. here are a few of my favorite tweets in my short twitter career. @hibelk

my top three:




Thursday, October 10, 2013

Dear #Scandal, I'm Sorry...

I have been planning to rip this show  to shreds for a long time and with its return for a 3rd season I was fully prepared to take advantage right here on 5ivebruhs. Before 2 weeks ago I hadnt watched a full episode and have watched semi silently as my twitter became clogged with tweets about someone named Olivia Pope and Huck and sidechicks and presidents. I was really confused and didnt really care to join into the live tweet session if it meant i had to watch a show I had predetermined to be pretty terrible. I let the first two seasons pass me by without even trying it out and then i remembered times where I prejudged some widely popular shit and almost missed out on something awesome (ie Breaking Bad).  In an attempt to avoid potentially missing a groundbreaking moment in television I broke down and tried to watch the 1st episode of Season 1. For me, the Pilot is like a first date, impress me or you're done. With all the hype around Scandal I was a little underwhelmed and the hater within me didnt let me even finish it admittedly.

Now the title suggest a stark turn in this story and I'm getting to that. In my experience its much better to ride a wave than to try and fight it. The same has been true with Scandal. I knew that if I wanted my twitter back I was either gonna have to watch the show and join in the ratchetry or watch the show so i could have enough ammo to shit on all the people watching it ESPECIALLY the dudes. You see I believed this show was for women. Pretty easy mistake to make. Its called "Scandal" for starters and it brands itself to be about infedelity and a women exercising the power of the p*ssy in expert fashion. So i watched it. I struggled through the first episode once again but powered through and a funny thing happened. I started to like this shit. I finally found out why all these dudes were coming outta the "Scandal closet" on twitter finally. **the Scandal closet was the place where all the dudes were hiding  where they didnt wanna admit they been watching Scandal since day one cuz they didnt wanna look soft on twitter** anyway I see why they came out on twitter and joined the social media discussion. Its a good show. Certainly the best thing I've seen on network TV. Full of drama and political intrigue, carefully woven plot lines and though some story arcs lack some verisimilitude, the character development and their mysterious backstories alone are enough to keep you coming back. I am now completely caught up and excited for Thursday where I will be glued to the television, i phone in hand ready to join the twitter discussion at every expertly placed new plot twist.  In short, Im sorry #Scandal. I missjudged you.