Monday, January 17, 2011

Man Laws

Yep….we’re back.

I wish I had a clever opening line explaining why we were gone, but I don’t. So, let’s just get into it.

Today’s Topic: Man Laws

Since the last post in June 2010, plenty of events have occurred that I wanted to discuss on the blog. These events range from things that happened in my personal life, to daily news topics in pop culture. Two things inspired today’s post: one event from my personal life, and something in pop culture.

Personal: While at work, I drink a lot of water. On average, approximately 80 oz. each day. It is inevitable that I will have to pee at some point during the day. I have noticed that when I go to the bathroom, white men do not skip a space in between urinals, and they love to look at you and talk while urinating. This is a serious pet peeve of mine.

Pop Culture: My favorite commercials over the past year have been the Miller Lite Man Up shorts. It is a list of things not to do socially as men: European thongs, sunglasses at night, all-over print garments (ex: BAPE, Ed Hardy, dragon print).

Every man has a series of unwritten rules by which he governs his life. I am a man of code. I believe in boundaries and strict guidelines in which I govern my interactions with other men. I present to you my Man Laws.

1. Pay all bets: Nothing is worst than a guy who is quick to gamble his money with you, only to renege on the payment once he loses. This error comes in many different variations:

a. not paying fantasy football dues
b. betting someone $10, and once you lose, offering 10 beers instead of the owed $10
c. making passive/aggressive bets after shaking in agreement (example)

Person A: I bet you $100 you don’t know who the 2007 NBA MVP was
Person B: ok deal, *shakes on it*, Dirk Nowitzki
Person A: damn, I was just kidding anyway. fuck that bet

This is rule number one for me because it’s just terrible. Who would want to be friends with someone like this? If you make a bet, pay up. Regardless of how right you think were, when you lose, Man Up and stop being a dick.

2. 5 Year Sports Rule: Since I was a child, I’ve always had hate for the over-complaining sports fan. The guy who always was degrading his team regardless of how much success they obtained in recent memory. Nothing was ever good enough for this guy, and he always found fault with something in regards to his team. I never could understand my hate until I started reading the late Ralph Wiley. He had this rule, and I completely agree. You cannot complain about your team if they have won a championship within the last five years. This especially goes for Laker fans, excuse me, Kobe fans right now.

The Lakers have won two straight championships. Although they are currently struggling (if you want to call it that), LA fans have nothing to complain about. Most of them became fans within the last twenty years. Since that time, LA has been pretty good (five titles, eight Finals appearances, and all five titles were in the last ten years). No one wants to hear you bitch and moan about losing on Christmas. Kick rocks. Say you lost the game, and move on. Anything thing after that, kick rocks. Recent title winners who have no grounds for complaints: Steelers, Giants, Celtics, and Colts fans…. I would say Spurs fans, but there are no Spurs fans. Patriots fans are now off the hook.

3. Bathroom etiquette: This is a rule that does not apply to white men. I have learned that they have a different set of rules, and I can not hold it against them when they are in violation, which would be all the time. Black men must adhere to this one: skip a space between urinals, and do not talk to me while your dick is out. The only time you are allowed to not skip a space is when you are attending a sporting event, and the bathroom is a row of urinals. That is acceptable. Step up to the urinary trough, do your business, shake it, and bounce. Otherwise, skip a space. Nothing is more annoying than someone who feels compelled to talk to you because you’re standing next to them. Can this conversation not wait thirty seconds? Is this life or death information right now? If not, wait until I am washing my hands, then you can ask me about the Knicks game.

4. Break-Up Depression: As a human being, you will face a number of social rejections in life. Men face these at an earlier age, and more frequently than women. This is a result of men being hunters, and women being hunted. Any social or physical deficiency a man has as a child, he will learn to get over at an early age. Children are cruel. If you are short, you will hear enough short jokes to where it will no longer bother you anymore. You will be better equipped for dealing with rejection throughout life because of that experience. The same goes for children who were overweight, musty, had bad skin, grew up poor, etc.

However, none of those experiences can prepare you fully for your first break-up with someone you truly care about. You will be upset, angry, depressed, and a bunch of other justified emotional feelings you will hate yourself for having. The key is to get over it and move on. Some people need more time than others; however, your moping period can not extend over two weeks. Anything over two weeks, and you are letting it affect your relationship with your friends, and co-workers. That is not wanted. Whatever brings you joy or takes your mind off of your misery, do it. Nothing is worse than a friend who takes his break-up frustrations out on you for weeks/months at a time. All men will experience the break-up pain, but you have to move on and you’ll need help in the process. Which brings me to rule #5.

5. Rehabilitation Buddy: This is a role every man must play at some point in his life. Especially once you hit your mid-20’s. Think of this man as the consummate wingman, the Scottie Pippen of wingmen. In this role, your job is to help your close friend get out of his funk if it takes longer than two weeks. Some men make the mistake of releasing their buddy out into the wild too quickly and recklessly, only to have him get shot down by women, and see Gordon Gekko-esque guys get all the chicks. As a result, his confidence is shattered and you’re stuck with a buddy in a deep state of depression. This role has to be done perfectly, quickly, and lovingly (pause). If you are noticing your friend is in a state of depression, and it is affecting his social and corporal life, follow these steps.

a. Confidence builders. The best thing for this is working out. You are stepping up your physical game before you re-enter society as a single man. The motivating factor behind this is the failed relationship. Although this should not be the case, it more than likely will be because the man will have a “fuck that bitch” mentality while working out. At least, he’ll have a good workout.

b. Sports. Inviting him out to the bar to watch the games takes his mind off of “that bitch”, and helps him begin to use that social gear that was dormant during his depression, and when he was in a relationship. (Quick sidebar: every man has a different social gear. “At work”, “With the guys”, "Job interview", “Meeting new women at a social event”. The last gear is significantly higher than the others, and requires you to be “on”.)

c. The wild. After his confidence is up and he’s ready to get out there, invite him out with a group of women. The main point here is forced one-on-one interaction with another woman. Make him get on the bike and see what happens.

If you violate all of these at once, just buy me a Guinness stout and we’re cool.

Peace. <--add me. i'm new to this shit.

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