Monday, September 23, 2013

my "jack daniels induced dream" notes

If you hear the words “Cash Money Records taking over for the 9-9 and the 2000….” run to the dance floor.

An idea for Tyler Perry’s next movie. via my Jack Daniels induced dream over the weekend:  The tentative title: “Why Did I Get Married….I Love Deez Hoes”. Starring Trey Songz as Russell Rusthaven.
Russell is a high powered attorney, with a beautiful wife (played by Paula Patton) and three light skinned babies. He’s upwardly mobile, and accepted by white people everywhere. While at the company office party, in walks Tenisha (played by Lauren London), cleaning tables. She flirts with him, they start dating, and he eventually has her on the side. His new smangpiece. Giving her money, buying her a place, getting her a job, taking care of her kids….until the wife finds out. Lightskin on lightskin conflict ensues. Meanwhile, Tenisha leaves him for Idris Elba. Russell goes to the one place he’ll receive direction….his momma’s house. Enter Madea. HELLUR!....between Madea and church (it ain’t a Tyler Perry movie if church isn’t involved), he realizes he needs his family, only it’s too late. Idris Elba has started dating his ex-wife, and still keeps Tenisha on the side. Russell sees Elba at the barbershop and asks: “Why did I get married, I love deez hoes?” and Elba says “that’s nice and all, but do you have more hoes than me?” The end.

For this movie to be deemed successful, it was decided the role for Paula Patton be given to Gabrielle Union. Actress from such classics as Breaking All the Rules, Deliver Us From Eva, and the forever classic Something the Lord Made. Black women seem to love Dwyane Wade’s main babypusher. This was made evident by Being Mary Jane...someone is going to get abused, cheated on, or generally done dirty, Gabrielle Union needs to play that role. This will eventually lead to her destiny of straight to DVD movies sponsored by Sportin' Waves and Oodles N Noodles. 

Also, middle school taught me the acceptable answer for anyone getting on your nerves, telling you too much good news, or simply the time of day is: "....but do you got more hoes than me?" An acceptable rebuttal is to shake your head and repeat "YOU MAD" fiftyleven times. Thank you Cam'ron.

I'm giving a pass to all black people over 60 who add an "s" to any and everything. WalMarts. SunDrops. Golden Corrals. Family are forever forgiven.

All black people between the ages of 21-40 must take a pilgrimage to Charlotte during CIAA weekend and experience a phenomenon called "Getting on These Hoes."

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