Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Adventures of a Big Nig’m a big nig. Six two and 300+ lbs. I’m more than qualified. And I enjoy being a big nig. Even when people say I’m losing weight I still do not wanna be under 250lbs. While being a big dude people may say that, “Man it must be tough. Finding clothes, food bills and sex life. Man that’s rough…” Negative. I love all of the clothes I have (minus the stuff my mom buys from magz devoted to big dudes like Kingsize. Their clothes are bust and consist mostly of flannel lumberjack type clothing. I like to consider myself non-lumberjack.) My food bills are same as everyone elses, why? Cuz I’m a big dude not a binge eater, yes this exists. And lastly, my sex life is great I like to think.

I’m gonna divulge some secrets about growing up a big dude, and some of it may shock you, but it is what it is. I wanna talk about two extremes, love and hate.


Growing up, I always realized I was a bigger dude and a lot of the time I would try to dumb this down. I would do things like make sure my shirt was tucked in a certain way as to not give way to how big I was, or I would try to convince my mom that I wore a smaller size in pants only to be uncomfortable. Also, if you know me, I’m very nimble for a big dude so my pants would rip from time to time if I did some adventurous move in them, like a carwheel. Kids made it rough growing up a big dude. “You so fat you play pool w/ the planets” or “You so fat you jumped in the air and got stuck.” These were some jokes that got me back in the day, why? Cuz I thought them shits were hilarious and still do. But due to this constant ragging on me b/c of my size growing up I feel like I have turned into a proficient shit-talker, and my friends will attest. By about sixth grade, I became the Don of the back of the bus and anyone who thought they could do battle wit me would get the business. I was like biggie, you knew he was big but you couldn’t beat him, even with all the fat jokes. This reign still continues even til this day.

Fighting. Because of my proficient shit talking, a lot of my life I ended up in fights. Everyone hated me cuz of this, except the instigators. If you’re an instigator, I hope you slip in butter and break your ass bone. This is one of my favorite subjects to talk about. Growing up, I LOVED fighting. I used to love to beat a dudes ass AFTER I got him all pissed by talkin bout how I had sex w/ his sister (I was clearly lying as I was 13 years old). But after everyone in the crowd stops listening to your jokes b/c the big nigga is tearing you apart, you decide you’re gonna be his “big slow ass”. On contrary. If you don’t know, big people are strong and I’m surprisingly quick, not to mentioned I started boxing when I 6 and wrestling at 12. Kids would push me and try to get the jump on me. Then we fought. I rarely remember ever getting hit. A lot of kids tried to get out of the fight by saying, “you’re just gonna sit on me” and I would reply “yup, right after I knock you the fuck out.” I actually did one time to a lil white kid named Brent, thought it would be funny, he choked on some sand. I got sent to Mrs. Wagstaff, the principal, she was dope for an old white lady.

The main reason for writing this article is to depict my love of being a big dude. I love the versatility of being a big black dude. I can decide my personality on the spot. If I smile and show my teeth and talk properly, they see me as an anomaly and quickly wanna make me their friend. If I wanna be a “big nig” all I have to do is not smile and press my lips tight, people don’t wanna approach that gorilla in the corner. I didn’t embrace this until my sophomore year in college. I remember having this convo with Jonny Cassanova…

Me: “Yo nigga. I just realized that I’m big”
Jonny: “nigga, you CLEARLY big”
Me: “I know but like I just realized the power it has”
Jonny: “Man, yeah? What do you mean?” (laughing)
Me: “like I can punk people if I want to and get what I want”
Jonny: “yup”
I then began to punk white boys for free beer, just to become friends with them later.

Love life: I know a lot of people say “big people need love too,” and we get it. Girls love hugging big dudes, hell when I said I was gonna write on this topic my friend Katherine said, “I LOVE GIVING YOU HUGS!” (She may have been a little tipsy) Boom, another hug, even if their arms can’t fit all the way around, chicks love it. They feel protected, and I’m the terminator nigga.’ve had some good sexual encounters and horrible ones. And most of these occur how? Is it spitting game? Making false promises? Saying I got money? Nope. They felt comfortable and big dudes are the best to cuddle with. Period. Girls love it, and if they’re comfortable and you get them to the crib, cuddling is evitable. And ya know spooning leads to forking. And big niggas like to a good meal. It’s funny cuz growing up, being a big dude everyone thought you got no play and would clown you. Now the SAME people insinuate to me that they know that I get mine. Weird, I’ll never understand that one. I’ve often tried to pass as a virgin, no one believes me.

Now where I haven’t gotten a knife held to my head, I’ve had to deal with some crazy women in my life. For some reason, I just can’t date a chick, there has to be a relationship, and that’s cool I guess. I think over my life I’ve had like 3 serious relationships and only dated like 3 girls, but the dating never really felt like dating, the words “I love you” were said so I dipped. Is this because I fill some void in some women’s life who have a niche for a big dude, or do they just like me? I think it depends on the case. My boys say it’s cuz I’m a genuinely good dude, but that’s totally random, I will leave you with 9 things to know about big dudes. Enjoy.

1. We’re extra nice as to not scare people.
2. Big dudes CAN be lightweights. I like to say I’m a cheap drunk
3. Don’t assume that if the poop left in the toilet is HUGE then the big nigga didn’t flush.
4. Stop giving away free shirts and shit and only having up to a large. Throw some X’s on the tag.
5. There are NO new fat jokes
6. Like I said I’m nimble, I think dancing is one of my strong suits. I got two numbers last weekend based on this fact. They don’t expect for me to be able to move the way I do (versatility), just think what else big dudes can do. LOL.
7. When you say “eat whatever you want” you better mean it.
8.  Real story: I was at the bar last Saturday and I walked out into the hall to use the bathroom.  The hall way was packed but people parted like the red sea cuz a big nig was coming thru. Gotta love that, so keep moving out the way if you see us comin.
9.  Don’t always blame the biggest person in the room if someone farts.

L’Chaim….. P!ed P!per.

No comments: