I couldn’t really come up with an article to write about for this week. So I had to dig deep and what I started thinking about is all the crazy things that go on in my head on a consistent basis. I know that I’m pretty not normal. I accept this. I am an extreme conspiracy theorist. I accept this. I’m that nigga. I’m still trying to cope with this. LOL. Read on.
**Disclaimer: If you read these and hold me to them I will just not talk to you. I can’t control my thoughts**
1. Growing up I thought only black people ate wheat bread and white people ate white bread. Turns out that my mom was just a health nut. My Aunt Angie had white bread in her house, I thought she was a sell-out.
2. Growing up I thought it was only acceptable that black people farted and white people burped. Turns out my family was just mad gassy and the nigs in it could fart on command. My Uncle Randy can fart at ANY time he chooses. Ya know how people can make themselves burp? Like that. This sadly impresses me. When I was little I would suppress my burps to not seem white, but I would openly fart. Making friends was an adventure.
3. I think Bob George is an alien. This is true. If you think I’m bullshitting ask me for more details, I’ve made several people second guess themselves then call me crazy. If I’m right though and he brings out some death rays, it’s on you.
4. Growing up, old people used to make fun of my size. Deep down I still don’t like old people. One time in 3rd grade we went to an old people home and this lady said, “You so fat! You look just like Ralph Johnson. He’s your grandfather ain’t he!?!?” I politely told her no, and that I had no family in NC and that I had just moved down from NY. She then started to rant on and on about my size. She didn’t get the gift I made for her in art class. I hated her. I only trust my grandma.
5. I think UFC is the shit. I consistently wonder what would happen if I would put random people in moves what their reaction would be. I would love to know that I can kill a man with my bare hands. I kinda want to kill a man with my bare hands, but then have powers to bring them back to life.
6. People with cocked eyes or lazy eyes are HILARIOUS to me. I love Stuart Scott, but how the HELL did someone give him a job where you have to look at that damn eye the whole time. I’m glad he’s on ESPN, but I don’t see how he made it past radio broadcasts.
7. In my mind I CONSTANTLY, I mean to the point to where it’s annoying, compare what people look like to ugly things or people. Like just in-case they wanna shit talk against me, I have material ready.
8. I have a My Buddy Doll. I slept with it til I was 15.
9. I think Bob George could also be a vampire, but alien is more likely.
10. I always get gas when I’m alone with a girl I wanna hook up. I don’t feel nervous but it just happens. The gas comes.
11. Every chick I walk past, like EVERY chick, I judge whether or not I would have sex with them. Uncontrollable.
12. Every dude I walk past, like EVERY dude, I judge whether or not I could whoop their ass. The answer is always yes.
13. Every old person I walk past, I despise. But I’ll help them if needed. Today in Harris Teeter this old lady was struggling w/ a case of water, I helped her but didn’t trust her.
14. I feel horrible when I ignore people who are asking for money or food. I always have to at least look at them, and then I get suckered. I give whatever I can. I’m a sap for people in need.
15. I always wanna put the cool kid in their place. Ever since I was little I go for the top dog.
16. I secretly want white people to fear me cuz I’m black. But The Nerd said it best, that stops around age 24 cuz white people begin to realize they rule the world.
17. You know how men always tell little boys, “boy you ain’t got no mustache! It’s just peach fuzz! Wash that chocolate milk off your face!” That shit stuck with me. I consistently touch my facial hair to re-assure myself it’s there.
18. I think I’m dope. I’m pretty fly for a big guy.
19. I look at people and try to sense the dirt they’ve done in their lives. Like I wish I had that magical power.
20. Growing up, and even til this day, I always fear the Lord will come back at ANY moment. All those plays about the rapture got me trippin’. That’s honestly why I don’t do 80% of the dirt I want to do. I wanna do a lot of fucked up shit. For example…
21. The one thing I really wanna do in my life is to knock some dude out with one punch. Like put him down COLD. THIS would make my life complete.
L’Chaim… P!ed P!per