Sunday, November 29, 2009

what if?

today's topic: what if?

last friday night, i had some friends over at my place. we're listening to music and i played money to blow by birdman ft. drake & wayne. while listening to this song i wondered, what the christian version of this song would be, and what other "secular" things i could make christian. this post is the twilight zone.

christian strip-clubs
imagine a strip club where all of the money is given to the church. sort of a more entertaining way to pay your tithes. the strippers dance to christian music, and on saturday night the choir plays. picture this: a choir singing "i just can't stop, making it rain" as the strippers use the offering bucket to pick up the singles . when someone catches "the holy ghost", that's just more singles they're giving to the church. the ushers would show you to your table, and you can get your shout on while watching strippers....i'd go there, kirk franklin would too.

christian pornography
think of it as sex ed for couples. here's my idea: it would show only married couples having sex, no actors, or profanity. all cumshots must be cleaned with holy water and sweat rags. they could pray before having sex to make the experience enjoyable. if the married actors have trouble having sex on camera, they can have a glass of communion wine to relax. and they can sell it in churches and at weddings to only married couples. marriage licenses and ID's are required. i'd love to watch Mary Cums Forth: Orgy Edition or The Missionary Vol.6….kirk franklin would too.

christian clubs
it's friday night. you wanna go out, and talk to some females, what better place to go than the christian club... the cover charge goes to the church (amen), the alcohol served comes with a dinner roll (amen), and you'll learn the best dance moves at the christian club. stanky leg, bankhead bounce...all that shit starts at church anyway... i like this idea simply because the women who are most susceptible to fuck, go to church. so if they hang out at the christian club, i’m there.

christian weed
hear me out: instead of passing out religious literature to entice people to attend your church, give them weed. potential attendees can smoke up in the name of their god, and philosophy about ways to improve their lives and the community around them. weed brings peace. if everyone is peaceful, it cuts down on crime, and only improves the your living conditions.

i know all of this is bullshit (especially the christian pornography).....however, i find it humorous, and i think, in a twisted way, it could potentially work (especially the christian pornography). peace.


LuvliLadi27 said...

Um...especially not the Christian pornography. As a churchgoer, female too, you don't just find the "freaks" in church. They happen to be in as well as out. Church is routine for most people these days. So its no surprise that you'll c the same faces in church Sunday that you saw at the club Saturday night droppin it like its hot and making it clap lol...sad but true

ELA Exclusive said...

Quite disturbing ... however, there are preachers who more or less actually do all of these things but the money never quite makes it to the church. So, maybe you are on to something here!