Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Obama & Scandal

I read Johnny Casanova’s piece on side “Chick All-Stars” and wanted to take the concept a little further.

I wish Obama’s Presidency was something you could play out like a video game. Stay with me…If his Presidency were a game on PS3, I would see how his Presidency plays out with different side hoes. Just to gauge public reaction from TMZ, the news, and most importantly black people…. I, as a black card member, like Obama as a person. More importantly, I like his relationship with his wife and children. He seems like a good dude; however, that does not stop me from thinking he has side hoes. Ever since I saw this picture in 2012, I knew….Barack got bitches.

If a scandal came out stating our President has a side piece, depending on the person he was messing with, the reaction would range from “that makes sense” to “OH HELL NAW”…and this is where I come in, with the joysticks. I’m going to run down the list of ten trial-and-error side bitches in my fictional Obama game. My sole basis of judgment is how quickly it would make black people angry.

Soledad O’Brien – This one actually would make sense. Two beige people in politics and the media, coming together to control the airwaves and spread the gospel of beige. Black people would be disappointed, but not angry. Mainly because niggas don’t watch the news; therefore, they wouldn’t know what/who the fuck a Soledad is. Soledad is better looking and she would shut down any negative press for Barack. Black Rage: 1

Oprah – She wealthy and powerful. No kids. And is probably building a school in Zamunda as I type this. Move Stedman, let a live nigga handle that. Black Rage: 2

Beyoncé – Obviously she’s better looking than Michelle, but more importantly this is to spite Jay-Z. Jay is getting a little too chummy with the President to just be some rapper. He took an illegal trip to Cuba, than makes Obama’s work life miserable by putting out songs talking about how “Barack don’t need the job and should hang with him”. Niggas is too comfortable. Obama needs to seed that up after she drops the 2nd Knowles-Carter baby. Blue Ivy would approve, and black women everywhere would eventually understand if Obama had Beyoncé as his Feyoncé. Black Rage:  Burning House of Deréon jeans at Big Lots

Sarah Palin – If she fucked Glen Rice, she’d smash Obama. Especially since that is the only way she’s making it to the White House. Black Rage: She’s White

Monica Lewinsky – I want this for one reason, and one reason only….so Bill Clinton could put out a song called “I Hit it First” Black Rage: Banned from Jet Magazine

Miley Cyrus – can you imagine a young, pubescent Miley Cyrus twerkin in the Oval Office, smoking saliva with the President at Camp David….all while Michelle is with the kids. Smh. Black Rage: Even white women are angry

Kim Kardashian – you knew this was coming, she has to upgrade from Ray J, Reggie Bush, Kris Humphries, Kanye West, to now Obama….all those other clowns were just media training for Obama. The only problem with Kardashian is that she’d want to be Obama instead of playing her position. Black Rage:  Obama is a barbershop god….and has the scorn of black women everywhere.

Sweet Brown (just kidding. *thinking* well actually...let's take it further)

Joseline Hernandez (of LHHATL) – I would so love for this to happen. She already is accustomed to being on the side. Can you imagine her running around the White House while Michelle is away, telling VP Biden “she don’t talk to the help”, calling the Congressmen “maids”, telling Bar-ock what he needs to do with the country, giving lapdances to secret service, and calling him a bitch for not making her number one? She would be a problem. Some loud ass hood booger in the White House with delusional power is a serious problem, but I would love to see it. Black Rage: Even BET is ashamed.

Tyler Perry – True Story. My ex-girlfriend’s mother told me she had a sex dream about Obama. She took such pleasure in telling the story, even hours after she initially had the dream. She was too excited; I had to ruin her happiness…. And just as I was about too, her ex-husband grumbles: “nigga prolly gay anyway…he look like he’d sleep with Madea.” I just sat there, holding back laughter…I had to remember the time, place, and conversation that occurred cuz the look on that woman’s face was pure rage. Like she wanted to strangle him just at the thought of it being true…..and the next day she had a sex dream about Barack and Tyler Perry, and that’s when the conversation got too real, and the jokes and lol’s had to cease. Black Rage: Tavis Smiley is calling a meeting.

Anderson Cooper
Black Rage: Back to Africa. Load up the Boats.

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