Today's Random Thoughts (Includes my list of Kimmy indicators.)

Here are some random things I've thought about or have been wondering due to some recent events... Maybe I'll turn one or two of them into full blown posts later to explain the train of thought.

~Fellas, if Lil' Wayne  or Chris Brown punches you in the face in front of all your boys would you take it like a bitch and fall hoping to make money, or whoop his ass? I got pride, I would make the wrong decision.

~I know everyone on Facebook is getting married, but to all the chicks who are just eager to find a husband, relax. When a dude smells that on you, they can play you like a fool.

~I hate when its dark when you get to work and dark when you leave this time of year. Its especially bad if your building has no windows.

~I'm pretty sure I cut off my co-worker Brian hardcore on my way to work this morning. Like swerve into the median almost cut off.  He's usually cool with me, but today he's acting shady. How many 1998 gold Maxima's with Maryland plates are there?

~Don't look for me on November 15th. PS4 arrives. I will emerge from my dark hole two weeks later only to eat turkey, mac and cheese and greens. I will then disappear again until my birthday.

~I miss video stores like Blockbuster. At least you could drop your movie in the box and leave. I hate when people see you're just trying to return one at the Redbox and they take 10 minutes to decide on a title. Rude.

~I don't get Instagram. It seems like a narcissist's dream. I recently learned the term "thirst trap". WTF.

~I also don't get Vine. I get that sometimes they can be funny, but mostly people just look like fools and when Terrio gets older, he's gonna loathe those videos. Vine is a fad. It will die soon I hope.

~I still can't believe Breaking Bad is done. Homeland is now the best show on TV and I'm still trying to watch Scandal. Sorry Jonny, shit ain't that amazing.

~This. ↓↓↓↓

~If its your birthday and I notice it on Facebook and I know you didn't write on my wall for mine, I will not write on yours. I'm just not that nice. If you did write on mine, I'm sorry I missed yours.

~I have to agree with Bob George and online dating. No lie, 93% of the girls who hit me up on there look like the second chick in your post. Also, most of the chicks online are strange and usually have strange sexual requests/tendencies. I'll stop there.

~If I see someone in black face on Halloween, I will call them the N-word. I will then try to dap them up. If they can't dap me up naturally, I will get extremely offended, start a fight and feel justified in beating them up. I think this strategy will deter them from doing this again. Its like a "black test" and they will realize its too risky to be offensive. These tests include dapping up correctly and naturally.

~I wish Optimus Negro well in grad school, but that dude needs to come back on the blog soon. I need that weird nerdy shit he talks about back in my life.

~For ten million dollar$, would you rather flip the switch on the electric chair for a known terrorist or a serial rapist?

~If you won the lottery, who would you give money? Those are your friends, everyone else is not.

~"Megatron" and "Dez Bryant" really don't  belong in the same sentence. 

~My CrossFit total is currently 1065lbs. I'm happy.

~We been talking about doing a podcast for over three months. I don't think its gonna happen because we're super lazy.

~I date a Kimmy, so I guess I have a few more indicators to go along with Jonny.
*If she doesn't mind pitbulls
*If she hates the New England Patriots she's a Kimmy because they usually don't have that many black players. Inversely, if a black chick likes the Pats, she loves white dudes.
*If you remember her in high school (or presently I guess) and she's worn jeans with no back pockets.
*If she smokes Newports.
*If she orders liquor at the bar she is most likely a Kimmy. If she orders brown liquor though, she most definitely is a Kimmy.
*If she was in any of those multicultural groups in college.
*If her shoe size is greater than a 9.
*If you ever see a girl in a bar singing every word to a Ja Rule, DMX or Michael Jackson song she's a Kimmy. Will Smith songs don't count.
*She watches Scandal.
*She knows what mumbo sauce is.
*If she gets excited when Back that Azz comes on. Jump on it. She probably can't dance for shit, but she's a Kimmy.

~There are also tests to tell if a black dude is down with white girls. Point to a black dude. You're done and you win. He's down.

~Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike! Guess what day it is?! HUMP DAAAAAAAY!

my online dating experience

i created an account on plenty of fish two years ago. i was single. i was hooking up with random women already, figured i might as well see what the online world had to offer.  my profile read something like this:

princeishere06  (of course you knew Prince would be involved)

about me:

fantasy football and basketball enthusiast
connoisseur of fried poultry
the wire is king
sports fanatic
lover of stouts, porters, and IPAs
wears a large amount of plaid
competitor
alpha male
voracious reader of wsj, time, and reddit
knows all of the words to sinbad’s brain damaged 1991 comedy special
better than you at trivia and words with friends
speaks fluent dude
has not eaten at burger king since 2006; mcdonalds since 2011

  

what i’m looking for

loves a woman who’s a go getter. a corporate woman. think daryl hannah in wall street
ass is a must
glasses are a plus
tattoos are the cherry on top
drinks alcohol
good taste in music and food
does yoga

what i’m not looking for:

a woman who wants to go to church or discuss her faith
women who have cats
heavyset women (i didn’t know they were called BBW’s in the online world)
neo-soul lovers.

then i hit submit and walked away. did the george jefferson strut and thought i would be swimming in hoes for the weekend.

i couldn’t have been more wrong. i had options, but man….talk about a letdown. the ones i didn’t think were attractive, i didn’t respond too. i decided to keep the profile up for one day, just go on two dates, and close the account.

after weeding out the potentials, the hell no’s, the lol’s, and the no-thank-you-my-nubian-sister’s…I went on two dates: one black, one white.

two dates. one day.

first the white girl…teacher, 33.

ok…in the picture she sent me, she was a 9. when i actually met up with her, it was the same girl, but….she was a 4. she was built like a mexican maid. this was the most “happy to be out woman” i’ve ever encountered. she spent 5 mins. praising the décor, the LIT’s, the waitress…anything that was in the bar, she was pleased with. the one thing you need to know about this date was she spent 20 to 30 minutes talking about why the rap game needed more of lupe fiasco. when she made her point, i wrapped it up. that’s a strong no-no.

black girl:

she was kinda slow. i noticed this from jump. she suggested we meet at a certain lounge in charlotte she frequents often….i get there before her….and she calls to tell me she can’t find the lounge; although, she has a GPS in her BMW. i’m at the bar and have already ordered a drink while I’m waiting on her. she shows up and has an attitude. complains that I didn’t put forth the effort to help her find the place, completely forgetting the fact that she suggested the spot. i make a quick joke, she relaxes, and proceeds to tell me about her life: she’s 28. no job. she’d been married twice…she could’ve said she shot OJ after those three things because i wasn’t paying attention. she had a great body though. jammers were out. nice ass.  she’s talking and she starts to like me more based on her talking more…i honestly just lobbed layup questions so she could talk about herself…..then it was time to wrap it up. 

she said she had a great time, and wanted to go on an official date. stated i had potential…and that she wanted me to meet her mother at the cheesecake factory to introduce myself to the family…sometimes people say things and you want to let them down with care, this was not one of those times. i had to let her know, and give no room for hope or error. i wish i would’ve smashed first and then not gone to cheesecake Factory. however, based on her seeming kinda crazy, that’s some pussy you can keep, and her pussy prolly had some mileage…this led me to wonder what the over/under is for cheesecake factory dates her mom has had with her. based on being married twice at 28, and the size of her yaddameans, i’m going at least 20. niggas are clever and will wait for sex.

i saw the black girl out a few weekends ago….she fell off. back then, she was a 9. now, she’s a 3. she had the look of a woman who hates her kid, for what the kid did to her body.

them perky jammers just look sad now.

How to spot a "Kimmy"

So were calling them "Kimmy's" tentatively.  It didn't take long to come up with, it kind of flowed and we decided that its at least a decent place holder until we come up with something better....Forgive me, it would seem as though you've entered in the middle of a conversation.  Well then you'd be correct.  Me and Brudda J have been talking about this for a minute and when I say "minute" I mean maybe a couple of days.  Ok let me get to the meat of this. I and some other 5ivebruhs contributors have come to the conclusion that  very much like women and their "gaydar" Black men particularly of the millennial generation have developed an evolved perception which allows us to determine (sometimes on sight) if a white woman likes Black dudes.  We have not figured out what we will call this perception but we have determined what we will call the women. I will refer you to the first sentence.  "Kimmy's" as you might have surmised is a reference to the famed socialite and newly wed of the superproducer Kanye West.  Fitting. Dont' you agree?  Of course you do.  Now in order to make this post remotely worth reading I would be remiss if I did not give some of the less obvious signs that a white woman like's prefers or would consider dating sleeping with or marrying a Black man.  This science is incredibly flawed and to call is "science" is admittedly laughable but I think we've all figured that out by now.  Anyway, this, like women's gaydar, is a very delicate and situationally oriented perceptual theory for which research has been collected for many years.  Let us take a journey into the history of popular media to some of the more culturally relevant examples of this phenomenon.  The first that comes to mind for me is "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner".  Brown man, lilly white woman catches everyone off guard.  No man would have been able to guess she was into black dudes especially in that time.  Made for a great flick but I have a better example.  "To Kill a Mockingbird" If you haven't seen the movie then you're slippin but MayElla in this film exhibits text book "Kimmy" behavior.  She was having this strong black dude come over and do house work until one day when she asked him to bust up that damn chifferobe she could no longer contain her "Kimmy" and jumped his ass.  Classic. 

Now to expedite this post I will run the risk of making this more offensive than it already has been or would be if I could explain these in full detail.  I will now retreat to the list-post cliche. Forgive me.

She might be a "Kimmy" if....

She has red hair - Dont ask me why it just seems to be a trend

She has studied abroad to Africa or Central America

She is from another country - England, Eastern Europe, The Caribbean Islands are your best bets not South Africa though or any South American countries, not sure why.

Her best friend is black

If she isn't rail thin (which is a nice way of saying if she has what a Black man would describe as a fat ass)

She wears puffy jackets in the winter

She owns a pair of Timberlands

She is visibly a hipster

She knows who Juicy J is

Martin Luther King is her hero

She played organized sports in highschool and/or college

She talks about how cute mixed babies are


Let me say this before you judge.  I guarantee you EVERY black man who has gone to college has experienced at least 3 of the above generalized pigeon holed stereotype-based descriptions.  We just now have a name for what they are and can further collect data for future research to prepare our young brown youth.

And to the closet "Kimmy's" I would suggest you DFTF...if you dont know what that is, this link might help ---> http://5ivebruhs.blogspot.com/2011/01/dftf.html

martin luther king jr.

imma grow up....and get ALL da hoes.

in the case of 5 mo. old Jefferson Davis King....Martin, you are NOT the father.

i fucked three of your hoes and UOENO 

what these bitches want from us?

caught hustlin work...real niggas do real things. suited and booted.

sweet potato smile

BITCH BETTA HAVE MY $$$

THESE NIGGAS WILL NOT HOLD ME BACK!!!!

she got my nose.......damn.

5ivebruhs the Podcast?

Yeah I said it! I've been wanting to do this for awhile now.  Me and Bob George( the 5ivebruhs contributor if you didnt know) have been talking this idea for a couple months now.  Unbenounced to me he had the idea before I did and had been an avid podcast listener for a minute.  I however didn't quite know there was even a big enough audience for a podcast but have recently been bitten by the podcast bug.  I think it would be a fantastic idea.  Being a musician and sound guru I love opportunities to record and create format and I think we can put together a pretty entertaining show bringing a voice (pun intended) to our contributors and be able to express a little more of our personalities, plus I think it'll just be a lot of fun!

 We have been lucky enough to get a pretty strong following recently and we've been thinking about ways that we can take the blog to another level and this would be a perfect time to do it if you ask me.  Months ago when we first were in talks about a podcast I was still a new listener and I knew I was going to need to do some more research if we were going to start this.  I began digging through the internet and found some podcast that I now listen to on a consistent basis.  Some of them are funny, some are informative and some rachet, some I can't listen to everyday some I can't wait to hear what the next episode has in store.  Its become my new pastime at work to have something coming through the speakers during work or downtime or the rare moment I get in the gym.  What I love about podcasts is also what I love about the internet.  No rules (yet).  We can be as crude and funny and inappropriate or just as real as we want and its up to you the audience to determine the popularity of it not the FCC.  I just think that the internet and social media gives us a lot of opportunity to share opinions and open up dialogue and the blog is a fun way to do this but a podcast has intfinitely more possibility.  Let us know what you think about the idea in the comments below.  I'd like to get this started soon in the coming months!

Here are some podcasts that I've been listening to lately:

Bomani Jones - The Evening Jones (Sports Pop Culture)
Combat Jack - The Combat Jack Show (Hip Hop Culture)
DJ Ben Hameens - Fan Bros (Black Nerd Central) *also a great blog
Kid Fury's - The Read  ( Sometimes Kid Fury is just a little tooo gay for me to listen to and for that reason I will cut the podcast short, but he's still funny as shit!)

less ferequently i'll check out...
Marc Maron's - WTF
Will Sasso and Chris Delia's - Ten Minute Podcast

Financial Tips for Our Generation (Automatic Budgeting and Saving)

I usually like to start my posts with disclaimers, and this will be no exception. I am in no way a financial advisor. This is a post for people who are looking for an easy way to start/improve your budgeting. You would have to speak to another author of this blog for investments and such as that is his expertise and career. I do, however, work with money and budgets in my job. I've also been characterized as frugal, thrifty (my new favorite) and "the cheapest and most money conscious mutha fugga I know" on more occasions (Jonny Casanova) then I care to share. I've helped my parents get their finances in order, friends and my live-in. I enjoy helping people with some of the tips and things I have learned that make me a bit more fiscally responsible. In this day and age there are alot of means to budget electronically that everyone doesn't know that can make budgeting automatic. There are a four pillars to this automatic budget strategy. Income, bills, savings and allotments/accounts. Also learn to utilize spreadsheets. Put that education to work pimpin.

I n c o m e

Know what you make. I'm surprised by how many people that ask me about finances that have no idea how much money they make each month after taxes. This will be your barometer for everything you do. Look at your pay stubs for your net income as that's all that really matter. Uncle Sam is going to get his until you die. Chalk it up as a loss. If you get paid twice a month, times the net income on one pay stub by two. You now have your monthly income. Don't worry about those months you get three paychecks or whatever. Trust me, its always better to low ball it. If you work on commission, give yourself a modest estimate. I'll tell you why later.

B i l l s

First off, fuck em. Now that that's out of all of our systems time to add them up. There are fixed bills and variable bills. Fixed bills include things that just won't change from month to month by more than $10. Rent/mortgate, utilities (I'll tell you how to make utilities fixed next paragraph), student loans, minimum credit card payments, car note and insurance, and home/renters insurance are some of the heavy hitters. Time to factor in your variable bills. These include things that can change every month depending on use. This is where you can save some money if possible. Groceries, gas, transportation means (if you use public) are the first ones that come to mind for me, but you probably have others. Be very generous with this number, nothing worse than spending more than you planned.  Keep fixed and variable bills separate but they will both be taken from your income but you might be able to find wiggle room in variable costs. You should have a number now. Look at it and say fuck em again. Feels good right?

Utilities can be made fixed by calling up your water, gas and electric company and seeing if they offer budget billing or monthly installment options. This is where they take the average amount of utilities you or the previous tenant use and charge you that amount whether you go over or under. Try your damndest to be conservative and always be under that average no matter the time of year but especially in winter since you shouldn't be running the a/c. You'll receive a check when they re-average it every six months or so. It'll make you smile when you get it because its your money. I'm under about $40 a month by opening windows and running fans. Six months times $40 means I'll get about a $200 check. Nice! (in my Fabolous voice) If your utilities don't offer budget programs, add them to variable bills. Won't make too big of a difference I think.

S a v i n g s

Now add what you want to be SAVING per month to your bills. IT IS A BILL. You owe yourself for being awesome homie. Pay up. You should figure out what you want to see in your savings in six months realistically and put that much away before you even see your check. This is the key to this strategy. You'll do this with the next step in allotments. This category is your everything, you can't afford to forsake it. Even if its only $100/mo, make it happen and do AS MUCH as you can. This is the account that needs to see growth every month no matter what.

A l l o t m e n t s/A c c o u n t s

Allotments are just money separation. Most employers pay in allotments if you do direct deposit. I'm not sure on the limits for everyone, but usually there is more than one. My job offers up to 8 allotments. Allotments are basically where you want your money to go for doing your job. I have four personally that I use. I term them as follows: long term savings , short term savings, real life checking and my fun checking.

Long term savings are for big future purposes like cars, homes, grad school and retirement.

Short term savings are for bigger rainy day purchases you didn't see coming like unexpected car repairs. I put up like $30/month. It may not fully cover the expense, but it can definitely help chunk them down when they come.

Real life checking is for all those bills you added up earlier. The absolute minimum you can put in here is all of the bills you added up plus $100-$200. If you can afford more, dump all the left over money here for now. Unless you're balling and can save a ton, this should receive your biggest allotment.

Fun checking is for things like eating out, hitting up happy hour, video games, getting nails did etc. Anything you don't NEED should come from this account. If you want a new big TV work on saving the money in this account. Eat out less, drink less, video game less to get that big fun purchase.

If for some reason your job doesn't do direct deposit no worries. Its 2013 and you can do all of your banking online and you should. Its easy to learn and easy to monitor, If you know what days you get paid set up recurring transfers to the accounts you've set up in the amounts you've budgeted. I use Bank of America and you can call right now and tell them to give you an e-checking account and its free. You'll even get a debit card for it for free. I'm sure your bank has some version of this.

T h e   S t r a t e g y

If you've made it this far, its time to put it into action. If your employer can do the allotments, tell them how you want them, and that's it. If no allotments, just set up the recurring transfers I described above instead. I was using the four allotments I spoke about before, though I recently set up a recurring transfer from my real life checking to my fun checking weekly (since I get paid bi-weekly). I let the recurring transfer for fun checking hit on Thursday night so I know my "allowance" for each weekend/week rather than for two weeks. Just easier I feel. So I guess my employer only has three allotments now since I combined two. They are still separate accounts. When its spent, its spent. No exceptions for "fun".  You could also give yourself cash in place of the fun account, but I like my debit card.

Set up all your bills to be paid automatically at the fixed amounts. I set my dates for rent on the first and utilities on the 15th. It happens without me having to even think about it although I do monitor is often to ensure its going according to plan. So nice. Adjust amounts as you see fit as you go along as nothing works out perfectly the first time.

Watch your savings grow with every pay check without fail. You'll love it. Also, set an upper and lower limit for your real life checking account. Take your total bills a month and add $500-$1000 if you can. Then on around the 25th of the month, make sure that account is within ±$300. If you've followed the strategy so far, you will definitely be on the plus side. If its over $300 over, move the excess to your long term savings. Bonus time for being good! Example: Your bills are $1000 so your checking goal at the end of the month should be $2000 ($1700-$2300 to allow the ±$300). If its above $2300 and sits at $2400, move $100 to long term savings or stash it in short term savings for that big trip you want to take.  My strategy is all about hiding your money from the person who endangers it the most. Yourself.

That's about it. Happy budgeting. If anything is unclear or you have a suggestion, leave a comment. I'd be glad to clarify or discuss.We can all improve.

Deuces.

twitter HOF

im quick to favorite a tweet i like...anything involving chicken, good beer, and a classic black pop culture reference, and i'm prolly gonna tap that favorite button. here are a few of my favorite tweets in my short twitter career. @hibelk

my top three:

3. 

2,

1.

Dear #Scandal, I'm Sorry...

I have been planning to rip this show  to shreds for a long time and with its return for a 3rd season I was fully prepared to take advantage right here on 5ivebruhs. Before 2 weeks ago I hadnt watched a full episode and have watched semi silently as my twitter became clogged with tweets about someone named Olivia Pope and Huck and sidechicks and presidents. I was really confused and didnt really care to join into the live tweet session if it meant i had to watch a show I had predetermined to be pretty terrible. I let the first two seasons pass me by without even trying it out and then i remembered times where I prejudged some widely popular shit and almost missed out on something awesome (ie Breaking Bad).  In an attempt to avoid potentially missing a groundbreaking moment in television I broke down and tried to watch the 1st episode of Season 1. For me, the Pilot is like a first date, impress me or you're done. With all the hype around Scandal I was a little underwhelmed and the hater within me didnt let me even finish it admittedly.

Now the title suggest a stark turn in this story and I'm getting to that. In my experience its much better to ride a wave than to try and fight it. The same has been true with Scandal. I knew that if I wanted my twitter back I was either gonna have to watch the show and join in the ratchetry or watch the show so i could have enough ammo to shit on all the people watching it ESPECIALLY the dudes. You see I believed this show was for women. Pretty easy mistake to make. Its called "Scandal" for starters and it brands itself to be about infedelity and a women exercising the power of the p*ssy in expert fashion. So i watched it. I struggled through the first episode once again but powered through and a funny thing happened. I started to like this shit. I finally found out why all these dudes were coming outta the "Scandal closet" on twitter finally. **the Scandal closet was the place where all the dudes were hiding  where they didnt wanna admit they been watching Scandal since day one cuz they didnt wanna look soft on twitter** anyway I see why they came out on twitter and joined the social media discussion. Its a good show. Certainly the best thing I've seen on network TV. Full of drama and political intrigue, carefully woven plot lines and though some story arcs lack some verisimilitude, the character development and their mysterious backstories alone are enough to keep you coming back. I am now completely caught up and excited for Thursday where I will be glued to the television, i phone in hand ready to join the twitter discussion at every expertly placed new plot twist.  In short, Im sorry #Scandal. I missjudged you.

Sincerely,

Jonny

What if Guys Had the Powers of Chicks?

Throughout life there are several things you tend to notice on the social scene and specifically on interactions between women and men. For most guys in my generation, and this comes from personal experience, alcohol is liquid courage and women have all the power. Recently, I went out with a few friends for a night in DC. Same as always, we drink, talk, laugh and meet new people. I've had this question/thought for a while now, so I'm just going to put a scenario out there and let you think on it. What if guys had the powers of chicks? 

Real quick sidenote: I often generalize because most generalizations are true and come from truth just like stereotypes. Save your self righteousness buddy.

During the aforementioned excursion, a friend of mine and I ended up wandering to a gay bar for some wings. Yes, just for the wings. Didn't feel right ordering half smokes (joke intended). The wings were alright, we've both had better, but the women seemed to find us harmless. A lot of them came up to make conversation with us. This rarely happens. There's magic in a gay bar and we didn't mind it. Eventually two of these fearless women took up permanent real estate with us and we conversed for some time. I noticed that the woman my friend was talking to looked rather unfriendly. Didn't really smile or give off the most welcoming aura, and very soon she decided the time had come for her to make her way home because "she was tired". She reminded me very much of Daria from that old MTV cartoon. It really just appeared that she wasn't about having fun and being young. I'm so about that life. About 2 minutes later my buddy approached, looking a bit tired/defeated, and said he was also going home. When I asked about "Daria" he shrugged told me she was mean and boring. He left. Turns out when he got outside she asked him to split a cab and once in asked him "your place or mine?" out of the blue. She then took him home and they hooked up. She then rudely asked him to leave by informing him that "...you don't need a key if you want to leave" as soon as the fun was over.

As a guy, you can't pretend like she's a jerk, rude or anything like that. Man code would call you a bitch. You simply bounce. No need for pleasantries. These DC women are something else. But this did cause my age old thought about what if guys had the power of chicks. Don't get me wrong, dudes can totally run game on a chick and take her home. He can also be blunt and find that chick who is down for the sticking. They are out there. But I have to imagine the percentages between the blunt approach to the hook up leans heavily to the side that a guy would say yes than a lady.  

I presented a few guy friends this scenario and asked them how they would respond. If an average chick asks you home with no fluff would you do it? I'm talking she's not Paula Patton but not Whoopi Goldberg, not Halle Berry but not Gabrielle Sidibe, no Einstein but not a Republican (furlough still got me tight) would you do the pants off dance off? While everyone of them said it would depend on blah blah blah the answer was usually something like, "Haha, maaaaaan.... *sigh* Yeah. I'd take her down. Its the man thing to do." I only got through two women before I had enough data. These two women are very culturally diverse first off. The guy described is super average and not a murderer or something crazy in the least. Just wants a hook up. One of them said that she would try to joke it off, but if he was serious she would walk away in disgust. The other girl got so offended that I had to ask her answer, the convo ended there. Research is done. If you don't like it, write your own blog. (Or you could just read this http://www.elainehatfield.com/79.pdf)

Get it?

Now imagine if this was reversed, or rather that women had the same mentality of guys and would just be down for the pound. The world would be in flames. I'm talking real fire and also gonorrhea and syphilis. I fully believe many bars would go out of business for lack of patronage and we'd be over populated like China. Most of the time, guys only go out to look at and pursue women. If we could ask a girl at Target to go home and she said yes, we can save money and pick up a frozen pizza. Most dudes I know would be perfectly content staying at the crib playing video games, watching TV and having a beer if random women were constantly walking in and out of their living room. And if they choose to get up and talk to one, they would. That's the perfect life. Now maybe I'm only speaking in terms of what I know and see here in DC, but this is where I've been my entire adult life. I do have a feeling that this thought is pretty much universal. The power of the V is far greater than anything a man could handle. Sure there are the guys out there who can get it any and every way, but I say fuck them (Ryan Gosling Boris Kodjoe). They don't live how 99% of us dudes  who actually need to put in SOME type of work for that wonk. Most women literally could walk in, point at a fella, wave him over and walk out 9 out of 10 nights a week. I fully support this statement. If a guy walks in and points and waves a girl over more than likely she'll pretend he doesn't exist. That some powerful stuff you got there ladies. Use it wisely.

Not trying to be ground breaking here, just what was on my mind this morning at 6am. Yes, it was. Don't ask why. Deuces.

Furlough Hangover

I am one of those unessential employees. That means my job evidently doesn't matter enough for me to get paid when these fucks on the hill can't get it together. While they still make their money, thousands of us are not getting paid and at risk for never seeing this money once its all said and done. Its some shit. I'm not one of the most political people and I don't declare myself republican or democrat.  I'd rather not have to defend an entire party on their decisions. I'll decide how I feel on issues as they present themselves. I'm a bit conservative on many social issues but I do support the mission of the liberals. With that said, right now I'm on some fuck republicans in the house.

Republicans are trying to smoke screen the bigger issue by making this shut down about the affordable healthcare act. Its done. Its not going anywhere and they know that. Really, the issue is that they don't want to see Obama succeed. And being honest, its partially because he's black. Never has there been such opposition to a president and questioning his decision making. Is he less intelligent than previous presidents? Do all presidents make mistakes? I don't believe you can say the fact that Obama is black has nothing with me sitting at home right now writing this blog. You can't, but I implore you to try.  The republicans have to be the saltiest cats on earth right now. The election was last year and you lost. Bow out gracefully, don't stick around and try to sabotage what happens from that point forward. America made their decision on who they wanted to see control this country. If we've made a mistake, it is ours to make. I've have never seen such a public display of childish behavior in a professional environment in my life. And guess what? These people aren't seeing their paychecks docked or taken away. They are "The Essential Ones".  I wonder if I can tell my apartment complex people my rent this month isn't an essential payment of mine?

For those of you who read this and are not living int he DMV area, I'll tell you what life is like here right now. Yesterday, I get to work at 7am (an hour later than normal) to sign a form that tells me I don't have a job until they pass a budget or continuing resolution. We were told we would get 4 hours of pay for driving into work and having an "orderly shut down". After being there for about 2 hours, we were told to take that 4 hours of pay out of our timesheets and to fill the whole day with furlough time. Everyone at work, especially my supervisor who drives 2 and half hours one way to work, was livid. Rightfully so. We then we leave to go home and sit in traffic because all of the government released at the same time. Just a great morning.

Around noon, a group of friends and I decide to take advantage of all the deals in DC because of the furlough. I got a free burger from Z-Burger and several free and discounted drinks at bars all over the city. We walked the whole way because ain't nobody got cash for cabs. Around 9pm I head home to sleep. I now write this to you with a furlough hangover.

Yesterday it seemed like a fun free for all for government workers. Today its the hangover and the realization of what's really happening. Our minds were too clouded with the abnormality for a Tuesday, but reality is sitting in that this could be the norm for the foreseeable future. It sucks. I hate going to work everyday, but I love making money. I only like blogging. I wish I could get paid for this shit. Oh well, time for me to play Grand Theft Auto 5. Enjoy your day, and if you're getting paid, thank the Lord.

Breaking Bad Finale “Felina”

If you haven’t seen the show, I don’t know what the fuck you are doing with your life. However, this is your spoiler alert.

Quick recap from Sunday, now that I’ve had 24 hours to process the information: Walt’s dead, Uncle Jack and the Nazi’s are gone, Lydia = deceased, and of course Jesse killed Todd, and lived. How we arrived at this point is the important part. God I’m going to miss this show.

The previous episode, Mr. Lambert (Walter White), is living in New Hampshire and crying in a bar after his son, Flynn tells him to “hurry up and die”. Flynn refused to take Walt’s money. Up to this point, Walt is living in a shack in New Hampshire. No visitors. No communication to the outside world. And the reason why he started this Meth caper, for his family, has finally crumbled to pieces. This was the nail in the coffin for Walt to see the damage he has caused. Instantly this changes from sadness to anger upon seeing Elliot and Gretchen Schwartz.

Walt believes he was cheated out of his fair share of the company, Grey Matter, even though he sold his portion of the company for $5,000. Walt needed the money as a young married man expecting a baby. The company went on to become a multi-billion dollar tech company. Walt became a chemistry teacher with cancer, making $43,000, and working part-time at a car wash. With a genius IQ, he underachieved. He knew he underachieved. What’s worse, he reminded himself everyday by checking on the company’s stock prices….this is what fuels Walt during his ascension from “drug dealer” to “kingpin in the empire business”. He was able to do something, albeit illegal but still something, exceptionally well and in his realm of expertise, chemistry.

His skills at making meth and his need for the money, proved to be a dangerous combination towards rebuilding his broken self-esteem. When he saw the Grey Matter couple on TV, he realized two things: he wanted “revenge” on the couple, and his family, especially his son, was going to take his money. Living in New Hampshire with $11M dollars and nothing to share it with or do with the money, wasn’t his idea of living. In true Heisenberg arrogance, he calls the police on himself, posing as an informant, and makes his way for New Mexico. Acting as a New York Times reporter, he receives the address for the Schwartz family, and decides to pay them a visit. Walt tells them they will deliver $9M to Walt Jr. in the form of a trust upon his 18^th birthday (Walt is able to get revenge on his son in this manner by FORCING his son to take his money). Vince Gilligan threw the fans a bone by having Skinny Pete and Badger back in the finale, acting as hired snipers to insure fear in the Grey Matter couple.  For that, I am thankful.

Walt stops by to see Skylar (who was warned by Marie) and Holly and finally reveals to his wife that he did this for himself. He was good at it. The lie he eventually talked himself into believing, long after he had made his money, was a lie he could no longer tell. This revelation is when Skylar definitely knew her husband would soon die.

At this point, Walt begins to cover any loose ends that could potentially come back and harm his family. He poisons Lydia. Rigging a machine gun to the trunk of his car, he kills Uncle Jack and the Nazi’s by the only method fitting for the show, science.  Another Gilligan bone throw is Jesse choking the life out of Todd. His main nemesis the final season. Shoutout to @WilshireRoyalty

The most important relationship Walt has had the last two years has been with Jesse Pinkman. After blackmailing him into a meth partnership, Walt has been the father figure Jesse should’ve never had. The final scene between them shows Walt staring down Jesse. Jesse ready for death. Shackled like a 1670’s Black man. Only to be saved by the man who left him to die in the desert. In the end, Jesse remained true to his word and backed up his previous declaration to Walt over the phone stating “I’m not doing anything else for you. You want something done, do it yourself.” Jesse, seeing Walt literally take a bullet for him, leaves him to die after giving him a head nod and refusing to kill him. Walt dies in peace. Surrounded by beakers, a makeshift meth lab, and the one thing that made him feel alive and give him an identity for the last two years of his life.

So where does this leave us….For one, I can’t complain with how the show ended. Granted, while this is the happiest possible ending for all parties involved, it also makes the most sense, given Vince Gilligan’s nature for closure. For this, I thank him. We did not have to experience another Sopranos or Seinfeld ambiguous finale. Gilligan crossed all t’s, and dotted all i’s. The protagonist/antagonist of the show is a chemist. Exact closure is to be expected and mandatory. For this, the finale did not surprise. It simply informed the bottom line of what was going to occur.  Walt was going to die. This what evident to me the episode where he was watching Scarface with his children and says “everyone in this movie dies.” But to die peacefully in the meth lab, it felt a little too perfect. And this is the making of a great show, with everyone expecting one thing, Gilligan gave us another. Same score. He knew what would work, and this was consistent with the show leading up to this moment. In the season 4 finale, Walt was able to poison Brock, kill Gus, Hector Salamanca, and Tyrus, and save his life and Jesse’s. The story is: Walt will always win, even in death.  

Now, I can focus on basketball and football season. But, cheer up, beautiful people….this where you get to make it right © Walt……the show lives on via NetFlix.

Songs about ASS...Don't Dare Judge Me!

Sometimes I feel like posting music shit on 5ivebruhs for me is just a cop out.  I like to challenge myself and as a musician who can talk about the subject for hours I fight the urge to make it a habit on this format.  I will say this.  As a musician I have had to evolve in terms of taste level.  As a young man and student of music in college I was the biggest snob of music ever.  Rap had to have a message.  Dance music  post 1989 might as well have never existed.  If you didn't get Jazz you were an idiot.  It was bad.  And it was stupid.  For years I shut myself off of some great music.  Later on I adopted a new philosophy and allowed myself to experience new music and to appreciate the shit that before I would have judged you for listening to making me a much more satisfied listener.  What adopting this philosophy also did was make me the local rap police.  Basically the defender of all things rap against the tyranny of the judgemental white person. I remember once about a year and a half ago while in grad school I was at a party drunk as all hell and Im pretty sure I was the only Black dude there.  Some white dude made a negative statement about whatever popular rap song of the time whose subject was "ass".  Mannn I got mad, not because he was talking about rap but because he didnt know shit about rap.  His mocking of my beloved "stripper rap" hit me to the core.  I was immediately transported to sweaty college parties where multicolor vats of alcoholic Kool Aid spilled onto perspiring lynolium floors and shirts ceased to be a requirement after the first hour of dancing your ass off.  I got mad because I knew that dude that was talking all that shit have never experienced an awesome party like that so he had no room to talk about songs about ass.  I love songs about ass.  They dont try to trick you into thinking they have a deeper message.  They're straight to the point.  And honestly what straight man would dislike a song that once the play button is pressed has a Weekend at Bernies 2 affect on woman's asses?  Now with that said here are my favorite songs about ASS.  Some are CLASSICS some are fairly new, all of them inspire the kind of acrobatics you only see in places with now windows.  Gotta love that.

So here it is.  No particular order but the last one is number 1 which needs to be acknowledged.

A$$-Big Sean

Clappers - Wale

Doing the Butt- EU

Bands a Make her Dance- Juicy Jay

Donk-Souljah Boy

Ms New Booty-Bubba Sparxxx


Back that Azz Up-Juvenile



 And I KNOW you got some ones to add to this so comment below and let me know what you think!

A Male's Blunt Perspective on Life's Relationships

Bare with me on this one, it might sound a little disjointed, but I've had some recent conversations and experiences that have sparked this article.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I can say what I've concluded. There are huge differences in the way guys see the relationships they have in their lives versus how women view theirs. Why do we subject ourselves to relationships in the first place? Is it a primal instinct derived from the times when community meant survival? If so, is that really necessary now? Those who choose not to have these stabilized relationships are usually seen as "weird" or in a lot of cases "socially awkward" but I feel there is more to it. To go along with the mental illness article written last week, how often is it said that these people that perform these heinous acts have social issues. Think of how much pressure society puts on every person, its honestly not a surprise that people are snapping left and right. Hell I feel at any moment I can have pressure to snap, but I guess my "saneness" prevents that. Whatever.

I've had several conversations with my male friends about what it takes to be a good friend or companion. Whether its been a drunken rant between us or a thoughtful analytic conversation, there was one theme they continued to pop up. And its all about getting "screwed over". But how crazy is that? You allow someone to get close to you as long as you don't fail. You don't have to excel at being my friend, you just have to not be terrible. Honor roll isn't necessary, and D's are technically still passing, just don't make an F. I'm sure all of the "D" students I knew from high school are doing awesome in life.

When I think about the friends that I have and that I'm closest with and trust, there's no real common factors minus they have never really screwed me over. Sure we all have our selfish moments in life, but the genuine people care enough to explain their stance on a situation to seek understanding. Women struggle with this. Please let me know the last time you heard a woman admit she was wrong and that a guy was right. They may say it in a sly way, but they simply can't say the words. And if you're a woman, have you said these words, ever? Why can't you just admit that guys are sometimes right?

I don't think I'm perfect, but I will admit if I've done something adverse to someone inadvertently.  I have a best friend that I do not get along with, at all. You would honestly think we hated each other. Our other friends have often said to us, "Man, I don't see how y'all are friends". Were hard on each other and have almost come to blows on several occasions, but there are not many people I trust as much as him and its hard to think of anyone I trust more. For a guy, that's all it really takes. As guys, we can battle day in and day out with someone, but the second a separate battle ensues a real friend puts bullshit aside and becomes my banner-man.We have an instinct to bond and create an army of "boys" and everyone is not allowed in the battalion. That's why we build relationships. To battle, to hunt (women) and to trust.

To have a relationship with someone is to allow that person the opportunity to disappoint. Only someone I care about can actually let me down. This makes them high risk, high reward.  Why would you give the opportunity to be hurt? I have no clue why women involve themselves in relationships other than the matriarchal desire to nurture and take care of other life. Maybe that's why they love puppies or dudes who are beyond messed up in the head. Simply a "helpless" creature that they can care for. Hell if I know.  Women are quite often irrational, and when you try to explain things to them rationally, you're seen as speaking condescending or talking at them rather than to them.  I've yet to encounter a woman who can give me the same reasoning for the same behavior twice. Women make little sense to dudes, and they honestly make little sense to themselves. Just my opinion.

my "jack daniels induced dream" notes

If you hear the words “Cash Money Records taking over for the 9-9 and the 2000….” run to the dance floor.

An idea for Tyler Perry’s next movie. via my Jack Daniels induced dream over the weekend:  The tentative title: “Why Did I Get Married….I Love Deez Hoes”. Starring Trey Songz as Russell Rusthaven.
 
Russell is a high powered attorney, with a beautiful wife (played by Paula Patton) and three light skinned babies. He’s upwardly mobile, and accepted by white people everywhere. While at the company office party, in walks Tenisha (played by Lauren London), cleaning tables. She flirts with him, they start dating, and he eventually has her on the side. His new smangpiece. Giving her money, buying her a place, getting her a job, taking care of her kids….until the wife finds out. Lightskin on lightskin conflict ensues. Meanwhile, Tenisha leaves him for Idris Elba. Russell goes to the one place he’ll receive direction….his momma’s house. Enter Madea. HELLUR!....between Madea and church (it ain’t a Tyler Perry movie if church isn’t involved), he realizes he needs his family, only it’s too late. Idris Elba has started dating his ex-wife, and still keeps Tenisha on the side. Russell sees Elba at the barbershop and asks: “Why did I get married, I love deez hoes?” and Elba says “that’s nice and all, but do you have more hoes than me?” The end.

For this movie to be deemed successful, it was decided the role for Paula Patton be given to Gabrielle Union. Actress from such classics as Breaking All the Rules, Deliver Us From Eva, and the forever classic Something the Lord Made. Black women seem to love Dwyane Wade’s main babypusher. This was made evident by Being Mary Jane...someone is going to get abused, cheated on, or generally done dirty, Gabrielle Union needs to play that role. This will eventually lead to her destiny of straight to DVD movies sponsored by Sportin' Waves and Oodles N Noodles. 

Also, middle school taught me the acceptable answer for anyone getting on your nerves, telling you too much good news, or simply the time of day is: "....but do you got more hoes than me?" An acceptable rebuttal is to shake your head and repeat "YOU MAD" fiftyleven times. Thank you Cam'ron.

I'm giving a pass to all black people over 60 who add an "s" to any and everything. WalMarts. SunDrops. Golden Corrals. Family Feuds....you are forever forgiven.

All black people between the ages of 21-40 must take a pilgrimage to Charlotte during CIAA weekend and experience a phenomenon called "Getting on These Hoes."

Media Portrayals of Mental Illness...You noticed that too??

I'm sure that we have all heard the phrase "art mirrors society" or something to that affect.  It's true.  Many times, art and media put a magnifying glass on society and give people something they can relate to. And sometimes it doesn't mirror us back directly but is representative of a desire or fantasy and you get shows like True Blood and Walking Dead....There are an infinite amount of societal issues that the media touches on but I want to touch on one that I have noticed has become a theme in recent years.  I am talking about mental health/illness.  The media has done a poor job generally of depicting mental illness but recently has had a couple of redeeming elements in characters like House, Carrie Matheson in Homeland, and recently (spoiler alert) Cate Blanchette's character in Blue Jasmine.  House and Carrie Matheson are 2 characters who's mental illness gets redirected and is used as a strength.  In Blue Jasmine Woody Allen's anti-heroine systematically self destructs while struggling to accept what her life has become and we watch painfully as she eventually turns into a basketcase (Great flick).  I know a lot of people are thinking Walt Jr./Flynn from Breaking Bad but he has cerebral palsy which isnt a mental illness just a disorder that inhibits motor function but the portrayal of his character I find to be revolutionary in that he is a real smart ass in that show and most people think of the disabled as these, "woe is me" characters to be pitied.  Never pitied Flynn.  Wanted Skylar to slap the shit out of him but never pitied him. 

I think the reason why we are seeing more portrayal of mental illness is that there is more of it in our country than we want to admit.  Just look at the pharaceutical commercials on anti-depressants.  Theyre all over the place, and what about the portrayal of shrinks, psycologists and therapists (which are different btw).  The scene of the main character in a therapy session is almost cliche to the point of parody.  This to me is really unfortunate because mental illness is a serious problem and should be taken out of the realm of stigma.  People with issues with mental illness should seek help and realize that its just as important if not more as keeping physically fit and spiritually sound.  When you got a headache you take an aspirin if your arm breaks you get a cast so you can heal.  Your mind is no different.  There has been a recent influx of mass shootings occurring as a result of people who neglected their mental health. Its almost as if our ignorance of our fellow man's mental health is becoming a silent killer.  The recent Navy Yard tragedy is what inspired this article.  With Sandy Hook not to long ago and the movie theater shooting its becoming a serious problem.  Out of respect for the people affected by the tragedies I will decline to speak further about it but I charge all of you readers to make sure that they take care of yourselves.  Dont be afraid to ask for help and if your going through a rough patch try to stay positive and surround yourself with the right people.  Yeah I got sincere on y'all asses. Deal with it!

September Nerd Crush: Yukimi Nagano

The face and voice of a hipster standard, Little Dragon, Yukimi Nagano has made it to my monthly (as of today) list of nerds I'm crushing on. Little Dragon is essentially her nickname, earning on based on the fuming tantrums she used to throw (and maybe still throws) in the studio. I'd like to compare her voice to that of Erykah Badu, with a breathy slightly nasal sound clearly influenced by Jazz and soul standards. But where Erykah allows hip hop to be the icing on her cake, Nagano goes in a different direction, pulling from Alternative, Electronic, and what ever 2000 alt-pop has become. She's cute as shit, and her poetry truly divine. Listen to the how subtle the opening lines of "Twice" are. That simple lyric conjures a life time of unrequited love. She does more in a lyric then most of her contemporaries do in whole albums.