Monday, August 17, 2009

chicken 'n jizzm

today's title: chicken 'n jizzm

i love chicken. i enjoy watching porn. these are two of the many things that bring happiness to my life, in their own little way.


i love chicken and when its in my hands, i'll never let it a wino clutching his last bottle © Dap Dunlap. however, i have a confession. i am discriminatory with my chicken. i prefer dark meat. i'll pass on the breasts, but the thighs and legs are my weakness. especially if its baked chicken. i've realized in my 23 years of experience of eating chicken that it is easier for most people to cook baked chicken than fried chicken. everyone cannot cook fried chicken...too much skin, too greasy, too dry, too many variables messing up my chicken experience. when i bond with the bird, this is our moment; i don't need an inexperienced cook dictating how i spend my time with the bird. baked chicken is easier, and healthier; therefore, i eat more of it.

i recently had an encounter where i met someone who didn't like chicken. he not only did not like the taste, but he had not eaten chicken in 16 years....i hate to bring race into it, but yes he was black. as i listened to this black man wax poetically about how he cannot stand this marvelous bird, i thought to myself: "you poor soul." he then proceeded to educate me on how fried chicken was food given to us by slave masters and how if i ate fried chicken, i am still enslaving myself by eating something that is beneath this point, im having a chappelle moment and just started thinking of random things because listening to this fool gave me a headache and made me long for the bird...

but then i realized something, people all over the world are full of shit. there are vegetarians who will not eat chicken, but smoke cigarettes; porn stars who will have sex with 4 guys at once, but will not kiss a guy on the mouth, because that's special and should be saved for marriage. this “brother man” cheats on his wife, but doesn't eat chicken because its beneath him. i told "brother man" if you get hungry enough, you'll eat the bird and thank the slaves who had the ingenuity and forthrightness to see the future.....Kentucky Fried Chicken.


i'm 9 years old.
i'm at the library on west blvd. doing a book report on bill clinton. i'm new to the internet. in my mind everything ends in ".com" i go to ""...little did i know my world would never be the same. with my teacher by my side, we see 6 naked white women bending over an american flag, and the bottom of the screen said "cum in"....the shit blew my mind, i'll never forget this. i didn't know much about sex, let alone porn. pandora's box was open. i was now intrigued.

you have to understand something. to look at porn when the internet first came out was extremely scandalous. this was during the days of dial-up. meaning no one could call your house because you were too busy jacking off, watching porno. it made you look like a degenerate.
therefore, it was an unspoken agreement among males stating: "yes i watch porn, but i don't talk about it" the person who played a big part in porn going mainstream was howard stern. his radio show was being televised every night at 11pm on E! i could watch the latest pornstars talk about their crazy porno tales. at the age of 12, my first orgasm came (no pun intended) from watching janet jacme shoot milk out of her ass. i thought it was the craziest thing ever...once again, my mind was blown. i was confused, happy, tired, all of these weird emotions.

so i guess you could say, as the internet did my appreciation for porn. during the dial-up days, i had to resort to watching the soft porn on hbo (real sex 74!..or something like that); dsl days, i became more intrigued. and THEN, oh man. by this point, i didn't want to watch it anymore. i started to figure, how many times can you watch someone have sex. but, the temptation was still there. it was like giving a fat kid free big mac's, there's gonna be trouble....

but something miraculous happened. i started watching porn differently: noticing the corny dialogue, the unattractive women, and the hilarity of porn....i remember watching this black dude with Kapri Styles. she gave him head from behind. all i could remember thinking while watching was: "WOW, that dude is really vulnerable right now....he could never run for office." porn became this big inside joke that i had. i would search different categories just to see new funny stuff: bowling alley bitches, quiky mart hos, british porn, and possibly my favorite, and most hilarious thing i saw was revenge porn. if you've ever seen cheaters, revenge porn is cheaters on steroids.

when i first started having sex, i couldn't let porn down. i had to relive some of those moments. however, in 2009, i am currently on porn hiatus. simply because i don't want to learn anything new. i'll watch it with my girl, but it doesn't have the comedy factor for me like it did in 2006. but me and porn will always be cool. when i need a quick laugh, i'll watch 2004 pornos.
goodday © fez


Wistopher said...

Bob George, you are in my Top 5 list of Funniest Niggas Alive! OMG

ELA Exclusive said...

I'm not an avid fan of chicken, but I disagree with the black man's argument.

You should have asked if he enjoys any of the following: sop bread, chitlins, crayfish, corn bread, ANY kind of stewed meats, pig feet and/or snout, sweet water, kool-aid, crack-head juice (is that just a NY thing?), etc. All came from the need to eat and/or drink with very little money and in large quantities. As a matter of fact, it is my personal belief that ALL casseroles were created for the same reason ... it's called workin' with the leftovers.

Newsflash homeboy: it's a poor people's thing. Do you really think Massa was frying up chicken just for the slaves ... NO (insert stank voice)!!! Fried chicken is a southern thing. DANG, I hate it when people try to put u in your place, but don't even know exactly where that place is ... talk about a slave ... SMH!!!

ELA Exclusive said...

BTW: LOVE the School Daze reference!!!!

Anonymous said...



Jonny Casanova said...

This shit makes me laugh everytime...good job bruh.