What's Right With: The Golden Girls

I rarely ever watch TV that is not sports or the news. I personally don’t find many of the shows on TV to be that interesting. Also I hate committing to tune in and watch a show every week, and then feeling terribly left out if I miss an episode. The one show which I will tune in for on a regular basis is The Golden Girls. The women’s network the W airs the show in four to five hour blocks every weekday evening, and it’s worth checking out if you never bothered looking at it. Trust me there is nothing wrong with a man watching The Golden Girls. Trust me.

What’s Right

The One Liner: I am a big sucker for clever one line jokes. They are quick, clever and memorable when done correctly. Most of my favorite movies such as Caddy Shack and Blazing Saddles are memorable due to their constant one liners. The Golden Girls rely on one line jokes for nearly all of their gags and almost all of them are funny. Most of the jokes come from the characters Dorothy and Sophia, played by Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty respectively. Both characters have a knack for finding a quick and witty quip for any situation, which I don’t seem to find in contemporary shows (not that I have been searching, mind you). The other thing that makes the jokes work is that you simply don’t expect extremely well written gags from a show written about four senior citizens living together.

You never cringe while watching: Let it be known that I cannot stand the US version of The Office. I respect the show greatly and I realize it is a well written show with many fans, but I think it is shit. My issue with The Office is that I cannot help but cringe constantly while watching. Essentially the show is about stupid people being stupid, which I have never enjoyed. The boss character is so stupid and oblivious that I literally cringe at the jokes because they are based on someone doing something tremendously stupid. I have the same issue with Frasier and Seinfeld, although those two shows do manage to make me laugh a bit more frequently. I never experience this while watching The Golden Girls. While two particular characters end up constantly being the butt of the jokes I never have to cringe at their antics. Essentially The Golden Girls approaches the concept of a show about smart people being smart, and I absolutely love that.

It is Unique: I cannot think of another show which is like The Golden Girls. There are plenty of shows about four friends, as well as shows about women, but using four senior citizens is something I have never seen elsewhere. The characters age and gender allow the show to work so well, as each character has a wealth of wisdom to draw upon and a deep (I use that term liberally) back story to explore.

What’s Wrong

It is formulaic: As good as the writing is, and as witty the jokes are there is a definite formula to the show. Every episode is simple, it begins with some sort of conflict then through some sort of course of action everyone arrives at a heartwarming conclusion. That personally is not too much of an issue for me as I don’t mind if a show is a bit generic, if it makes me laugh consistently, which it does. The issue with the writing is the characters who most constantly serve as the butt of the joke. The character of Blanche is constantly the butt of jokes due to her promiscuity. Meanwhile the character Rose is joked on for her naivety and her simple upbringings. Both characters are very likeable and enjoyable to watch but the jokes made usually at their expense wear thin. After watching the show constantly for a month or so I began to develop the urge to shout at my TV: “I get it Blanche is a slut, just fucking drop it.” This issue seems to happen in any media which relies on one liners, as I can only watch Caddy Shack once or twice a year or else the jokes cease to be funny.

The Verdict:

Watch a few episodes of The Golden Girls and see if it is your sort of show. If it is you will be hooked and will find yourself watching the show on a regular basis. My one word of caution is to watch the show only for three or four weeks, any longer and you may start to grow weary. I actually blame this on the network that airs the show more than I do the show. The W likes to air four or five episodes back to back every weekday, which means that you can potentially see a season’s worth of the show over the course of a few weeks. I feel if I watched the show as it was originally aired, with only one or two shows a week I would have not grown tired of it. Right now I have been on a hiatus from watching the show and now feel ready to dive back in on the magic that is The Golden Girls. Until next time I leave you with the intro song which is burned in my brain.

what if?

today's topic: what if?

last friday night, i had some friends over at my place. we're listening to music and i played money to blow by birdman ft. drake & wayne. while listening to this song i wondered, what the christian version of this song would be, and what other "secular" things i could make christian. this post is the twilight zone.

christian strip-clubs
imagine a strip club where all of the money is given to the church. sort of a more entertaining way to pay your tithes. the strippers dance to christian music, and on saturday night the choir plays. picture this: a choir singing "i just can't stop, making it rain" as the strippers use the offering bucket to pick up the singles . when someone catches "the holy ghost", that's just more singles they're giving to the church. the ushers would show you to your table, and you can get your shout on while watching strippers....i'd go there, kirk franklin would too.

christian pornography
think of it as sex ed for couples. here's my idea: it would show only married couples having sex, no actors, or profanity. all cumshots must be cleaned with holy water and sweat rags. they could pray before having sex to make the experience enjoyable. if the married actors have trouble having sex on camera, they can have a glass of communion wine to relax. and they can sell it in churches and at weddings to only married couples. marriage licenses and ID's are required. i'd love to watch Mary Cums Forth: Orgy Edition or The Missionary Vol.6….kirk franklin would too.

christian clubs
it's friday night. you wanna go out, and talk to some females, what better place to go than the christian club... the cover charge goes to the church (amen), the alcohol served comes with a dinner roll (amen), and you'll learn the best dance moves at the christian club. stanky leg, bankhead bounce...all that shit starts at church anyway... i like this idea simply because the women who are most susceptible to fuck, go to church. so if they hang out at the christian club, i’m there.

christian weed
hear me out: instead of passing out religious literature to entice people to attend your church, give them weed. potential attendees can smoke up in the name of their god, and philosophy about ways to improve their lives and the community around them. weed brings peace. if everyone is peaceful, it cuts down on crime, and only improves the your living conditions.









i know all of this is bullshit (especially the christian pornography).....however, i find it humorous, and i think, in a twisted way, it could potentially work (especially the christian pornography). peace.

francis and the lights (live)

dope ass band.

And now a commerical for birth control

If that dont make you want children, I don't know what will.

The Era of Jay-Z

I am on a music thing these last couple of weeks, but I feel in order for Hip-hop to truly reach a point were people begin to take it seriously, standards must be created for it. It needs a definition, a mold if you will, for it to fit into in order for us to truly discern the shit, from the gold, the apprentice from the masters, the niggas from the solders.

An artist that is starting to shape this mold is the Frank Sinatra of Hip-hop; the Hova; the Jigga Jigga that nigga Jigga: Jay-Z.

Jay-Z has formed an era unto himself, and is cemented permanently as the most influential hip-hop artist of our time. Yes, I said it. No, hes not the greatest lyrically, and not everyone of his albums are classics, but no other hip-hop artist before him or since him has affected and continues to affect American Popular music like he does. On a business side, no other artist in any genre of music has been able to flout an impressive resume of financial success that he has.

Chuck D recently said that Jay-Z is an artist who is constantly changing. The change is subtle, but he continues to perfect his art. He approaches each album as if this was a masterpiece, especially since the Black Album. Not all of them are, Kingdom Come and BluePrint 2 are examples, but the effort is still there. Each album is conceptually different, and each holds a different purpose for Jay-Z as a artist; both personally and for the art as a whole. Blueprint 3, for example was meant to return hip-hop to its gritter roots as well as inspire would be artists to reach a certain degree of aspiration. American Gangster is meant to be an allegory toward the Frank Lucas story, with Jay-Z as Lucas' own subconscious narrating for itself, and using hip-hop as its voice. However most importantly, each album speaks to its audience differently, and each audience member is then allowed to make their own decision on what the album means. Which is the purpose of any form of literature. The depth is there, and yet Jay-Z steps away far enough to give his audience room to go as deep as they chose.

It is also hard to ignore Jay-Z as a financial force within the music industry. The success of Rockfeller made both Jay-Z and Damion Dash (his partner earlier in his career) millionaires. Shortly after the Black album, Jay-Z took control of Def Jam records, the single biggest and greatest hip-hop record label in the world. A number of well known and sought after producers: Kayne West, 9th Wonder, N.E.R.D, etc. accredit their start to the work they did with Jay-Z. Now he is beginning to produce with Will Smith, producing a critically acclaimed Broadway piece known as FELA! (which has its own artistic influences being the first African-Jazz musical). What musical artist at anytime has had this much control over the money surrounding the music industry? Perhaps Frank Sinatra, but even he wasn't the producing force that Jay-Z is turning out to be. To quote a Broadway producer: "Controlling the money, is to control the art". Jay-Z has a grip on hip-hop as an art form, to shape it as he chooses, and is slowly gaining control over pop music as a whole.

I chose not to include Beyonce, because her own influence on pop culture is separate from Jay-Zs, and they as a couple is a topic for another time. However I will not ignore that without her, Jay-Z would not be in the position in American conscious that he is in.

I chose to title this blog, the era of Jay-Z, because that is where music has entered in the last couple of years. Jay-Z has sky rocketed to the top seller in hip-hop and is slowly approaching that for pop music. His theories and opinions of hip-hop are starting to become rap Gospel for certain groups, so much so that his track D.O.A (Death to Autotune) developed quite a stir about the overabundance of auto tune in hip-hop when it hit this summer (It was not as big of a rabble as Hip Hop was Dead was but that's neither here nor there). And his control of the music industry is placing him in a place of significant influence for the American music consumer.

Lastly, the brotha makes you want to get up and do something with your life. He takes his presence in the public eye very seriously, as if he is keenly aware that he is being looked up to by millions of younger black men around the world. Hes a role model, an example of true black wealth and success, as well as a man who continues to buck America's obsession with celebrity by remaining as down to earth and reachable as possible.

Ten Reasons There is a Double Standard When it Comes to Sex

“She’s a slut! She got the same hours as cookout on the weekends. Open til 3!”

“Why her coot look like a roast beef sandwich”

“He that DUDE! He get mad hoes!”

“Yo, that hoe let me bust, and I left her in the dust” “Man, you’re SOOOO COOL!”

Now we all know that there are crazy double standards when it comes to sex. The above lines are just examples that could be said about a guy and a girl with the SAME number of sexual partners. It’s true and sad, but its life. I have often pondered why this is. Below you will find 10 reasons I think dudes find women with a smorgasbord of sexual partners to be a hoe and why if they fuck 2 or 3 girls in one night, they become “That Nigga”. I don’t necessarily agree with the double standard, but these are some of my possible reasons…

Ten Reasons why there is a double standard between men and women when it pertains to sex. (To not say the words ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ a lot I will refer to them as Phillip and Vernon respectively)

1. The woman’s sexual instrument (Vernon) is internal while the male’s instrument (Phillip) is external. We all know it’s easier to wash the outside of a car than to detail the inside of a car. The inside has all those nooks and crannies where debris and peanuts can hide.

2. The shape of Phillip can pretty much stand the test of time. Unless you maintain Vernon, it can begin to misshape and discolor. (And smell horrendous, but this is also true for the fellas, its just easier to maintain Phillip)

3. Phillip behaves in the manner of a bat in baseball. Vernon is the ball. The bat consistently beats up the ball and the ball is frequently replaced.

4. Vernon is like a tire, the more you drive the more the tread wears down. Makes for dangerous situations, especially when wet.

5. Phillip is like a pen. Mistakes are whited out completely and you can just write over it. Barely noticeable. Vernon is like a pencil. Good at first til it gets worn down. Then you can run out of lead and if you erase too much it smudges. Once both ends are worn down, it’s no good.

6. Men like to see their woman as pure and chaste, hence the white wedding dress. In a man’s head the more dips in the dirt you take in that dress the dirtier it gets. Guys don’t want a dirty bride.

7. Most times the male is the one bringing the condom and putting it on. (I don’t understand diaphragms still) This mentally is the guy protecting HIMSELF from her, not necessarily the other way around. The guys comes in with his condom, has sex and leaves. Vernon waits for another Phillip to come along equipped with his own condom. (Almost as though he used her, sorry it sounds so bad)

8. Men are seen as the aggressor when it comes to courting the member of the opposite sex. If the woman allows a lot of guys to court her she is seen as easy. Nothing in life worth having is easy.

9. Men are all about conquering. Women are a prized possession and have been seen as such since the days of cavemen. For Phillip to claim his own Vernon is a big deal. Like hand in glove.

10. Men rule the world. If it were reversed then women would probably make the standard reverse. Women don’t want to make themselves look bad and neither do men. Men have always been in power and you know what they say, the victors write history.

 What are your possible explanations?

Happy Thanksgiving!

L'Chaim... P!ed P!per

Man Talk Translated Part 1

For some strange reason I was blessed to have been around women my whole life. I have 3 sisters and most of my friends outside my "5ivebruhs" fam are female. Because this, I have been equipped with special powers. Yeah, I said it. Being surrounded by females most of my life, yet still living the life of a "typical" male, has given me the gift of perspective. To avoid being crucified by my female friends I will decline from making this article Woman Talk Translated partly because no matter how much time you spend around girls, they'll never admit when you've got them pegged. I will enlighten some ladies some of the things that men say and what they ACTUALLY mean. In order to do that I had to assess some of the universal situations that we all happen to encounter with the opposite sex and I came up with one of the most typical situation that we all go through.

The Meeting

The initial meeting between a man and a woman with the intention of meeting them again under different circumstances is one of the most universal of interactions.

Ill be the man in this situation. So I'm at a bar and I see a woman across the way that I want to pursue. Whats going on in my mind is this. How am I going to break the initial seal from complete stranger to acquaintance instantly. So lets say I approach this girl and break that seal and have since graduated to conversation. This is usually where a man assesses when the right time to get the number is. After a good convo and vibing session I go in for the kill (ask for the number) and the girl says. "Oh, Im sorry I have a boyfriend"... this is when I have to act quickly. If I dont get the number Im going to feel like I wasted my time plus if I really felt that there is a connection it would be remiss of me not to be persistent so here is what I/WE say in that situation.

"Oh thats cool, i just thought you were a cool person and I thought it be nice to keep in touch. Not to disrespect your relationship though. Whats wrong with 2 people being friends"

*With that statement, I gets the number 90% of the time because it puts the girls at ease and I dont seem threatening to the current relationship. *

Now for the translation....What I said actually means. Your in a relationship now but who knows how long thats gonna last. Im gonna keep me in the back of your mind with an occasional text reminder and when your relationship ends which Im going to assume it is by the in-depth conversation you allowed us to have, Im gonna be there to move in if I so choose.

Im pretty positive that most men would agree with me on this for those who have ever tried to talk to a girl who had a boyfriend. Its not that we have disrespect others relationship, its more about ego. We got to feel like the acheive something especially if we put ourselves out there enough to either be completely rejected or get the prize.

How Annoying

Have you ever sat down and thought about all of the things that annoy you? What you haven’t? Well I did today at the Gym (in-between glancing at the attractive soccer mothers on the treadmills) and I was amazed at how I am a terrible person and just how long and random the list is. Take a look:

Snuggies: I can’t stand these damn things and I do not know why. Actually I do know; they look creepy and sinister. Sure these abominations may be comfortable and useful but they look far too much like the robes that cults wear. What annoys me even more is how popular they have become, in fact I bet someone reading this right now is wearing one. Probably one of the zebra print ones.

Those I’m a Mac commercials: These commercials started out fairly clever and funny, but now they have begun to annoy me every time I see them or hear that annoying song that plays in the background. I have no personal issues or qualms with Apple Computers although I think they are overpriced. I know they are very nice to use and I would not mind owning one. I suppose my issues with the commercials are just the fact that they feel sort of like a lie. I know the facts and statistics they use are probably true, but I can’t help but feel that PC’s must be doing something right, as they are still the dominant standard. Also the “Mac Guy” looks like a bit of a douche bag.

Handymen: Everyone has that friend who can do anything no matter how big or small. Honestly I respect people who have the ability and skill to do things like: Build a deck, frame a door, and change a timing belt in one afternoon. My annoyance comes from the fact that when you talk to one of these guys you feel less and less adequate as a man. It’s hard to feel that masculine when his 'to do' list for the weekend includes building a garage and yours includes changing a light bulb. I also know that handy men take great pride in being able to do things around the house that guys like me cannot, and they probably save a bundle by doing it themselves. You smug assholes.

People who get everything cheaper than you do: Look no one likes overpaying on anything, but it does happen from time to time. Sometimes you want that new shiny item now and don’t feel like waiting for a sale to come around. There are however the Die-Hards, those people who get everything cheap, they find coupons, super secret sales, and insider discounts on everything they buy. They also love knowing they got a better deal than you did. How do I know this? Because they ask: “hey don’t mean to be rude but how much did you get that for?” What they want really know is how much did you overpay in comparison to them. There is nothing wrong with saving a bit of money whenever you can, but don’t make me feel stupid in the process.

Angry Drivers: Everyone probably knows one or two angry drivers, or maybe you are one. You know, the sort of people who shout when someone doesn’t use their turn signal, or get cut off slightly. First off these people probably think they are the best drivers in the world and get upset that everyone else is seemingly incapable of operating a vehicle as well as they can. Secondly riding with a driver who gets angry with every other person on the road is awkward as hell, because deep down inside I really just want to tell you to shut up and relax, but that would be rude.

“It’s Whatever.”: Our generation has had a profound effect on the English language and vocabulary. Words or phrases such as Like, fail, and hot have taken new meanings and many new phrases have become commonplace. The one phrase I cannot stand among them is saying “It’s Whatever” when some is indifferent about something. Saying “It’s Whatever” just has this sense of rudeness and passive aggressiveness that drives me mad. Also when someone says “It’s Whatever” they probably are not indifferent at all but are simply not interested in discussing the topic any further. It’s sort of like when a woman tells you that nothing is wrong, when clearly something is wrong. Bullshit I say!

Being told to ‘Man up’: Usually this happens when someone is emotional, or going through a tough time. Instead of offering this someone a bit of sympathy and understanding, many men simply like to tell their buddies to ‘Man up’. Hearing this makes me absolutely livid, especially when I sought help or assistance from someone and all they offer back is ‘Man up’. How is you emasculating me supposed to make me feel any better? And also why does someone need to ‘Man up’? What is wrong with showing a bit of emotion from time to time, especially when the situation is an emotional one? With advice like ‘man up’ it’s no wonder so few black men with depression refuse to seek help. No one wants to look like a punk, and therapy is for punks and people who didn’t ‘man up’.

All right now for some quick fire annoyances:

The Oakland Raiders

Boston

Panhandlers

Activision

Gold Teeth

Twitter

Fox News

The fact that every waiting room has fox news on

Glenn Beck

Kanye West

Sarah Palin

That month when black people said “It’s a recession”

Tim Tebow

When people use good instead of well: “We played good.” That’s wrong. You should say: “We played well.”

Playing the race card: I personally feel bad when I realize that my skin color has either put me at an advantage or a disadvantage. I like being judged on my actions and abilities and not what my race has determined.