Thursday, September 3, 2009

Please Don't Piss off the P!per

Ok, so recently there have been a few instances of people pissing me off or I see something that makes no sense to me to the point where it pisses me off. So instead of being the angry negro, flipping out and going to jail, I’ma vent to the readers. Please read below to find out some things that piss me off, and probably others, and try not to do them (they are separated by cateogory). If you adhere to these, we can smoke the peace pipe.



Women:

· I hate it when a woman is scantily clad, consisting of a low-cut shirt that puts her bouncing Buddhas in the open, and she makes a disgusted face at me if she catches me looking at them. (What do you mean you put your titties on display but didn’t want me looking?)

· I hate it when women wanna put they’re whole life on blast on their facebook/myspace/txt signature status. (If I wanna whoop someone’s ass I wanna sneak on em, I’m not gonna let them and everyone else know, including police. And if he broke your heart, I’m sorry, but putting it in your status don’t make him feel worse.)

· I hate ugly chicks with a pretty girl attitude. (Say its fucked up if you want, but you should be extra nice to me if you’re busted.)

· Why does every chick say they want a sweet caring dude, but if I approach them as such they begin to slay my feelings. (tricky hoes)



Hygiene:

· I hate it when someone has stank ass breath and they choose to talk to me. I’m not talking regular stankin breath, like the kinda stank that can only come from within that is ever-present. (Is it just me or do those people always wanna stand extra close when they talk to you, always within my bubble?)

· I hate when I’m dancing with a chick and her hair stank. (They gotta whole got’ damn aisle of hair products just for you, how the HELL does your shit smell like burnt cheese and grits?)

· I hate crusty hands. (Shaking hands is a sign of courtesy, but if you leave lacerations on my knuckles that’s a sign of you truly not caring about my feelings.

· I hate musty people. (Deodorant is cheap. You don’t have to smell like a patty melt. IF you cannot find some deodorant, do as my nig Casanova says and get some baking soda)

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3615/3310772510_52e76eb3b1.jpg


Bathroom Courtesy:

· I hate it when I’m taking a dump in a public restroom (can’t fight the urge) and someone walks in and tries to look at you in between the cracks in the door. (Do you really wanna know its me blowin’ this joint the hell up?!)

· I hate it when someone pisses on the seat and floor and doesn’t clean it up but will deny it was them til the end of times? (Just clean up ya shit! I can’t help you aim, but just sanitize!)

· I hate it when someone tries to hide their feet when they’re taking a shit in a public bathroom. (We don’t care, matter of fact I’m bout to hop in the stall next to you… let’s talk sports.)

· I hate it when the dude next to me at the urinal wants to look down at my dick. (WTF DOG!?)



Black People:

· Everyone don’t wanna hear your hood ass conversation about how you did some hood ass shit to your hood ass friend on your cell phone. (Don’t be cursing all loud telling them about how you beat someone’s ass for no other reason but because, ‘You a hood nigga’)

· Stop letting your kids leave the house ashy (Period)

· Stop letting your 7 yr old make a youtube video of her shakin her ass (Period)

· Control your damn kids. (I’d be wrong if I slapped the taste out the next lil nig repeating the words of the new Gucci Mane song, unedited, wouldn’t I?)



White People:

· Stop being so damn boring (Period)

· Stop asking me if you can refer to me as your “nigga” (I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK THIS IS! This is why you can’t always friend white people, mostly the males.)

· Stop jumping off shit on contraptions such as bikes, skates, skateboards, snowboards etc. (On second thought, keep doing it cuz I love watching ya’ll get busted the hell up.)

· Stop trying to make up sports that only you can play. (Black people or some other race will figure it out and be better than you. Yes, we’ve even got some nigs in hockey)

· Control your damn kids. (If I see two more lil boys wrestling and humping each other in Ikea and their mother only saying, “Stop that. And get off him please” and not punching that lil nig in the face, I’m bustin’ both ya asses.)


Hispanic People:

· Stop putting murals on the back window of your trucks. (I love Mary mother of Jesus too, but I think she would want to you be able to see out your back window)

· Get a truck that says “Toyota.” Stop taking off the “To” and the “ta” so your shit says “yo.” (That shit is not acceptable.)

· Stop chillin in front of Home Depot. (I know this sounds racist, but get a consistent job damnit.)

· Stop putting a big ass spoiler on your 95 Honda. (What is that supposed to do?)

· Control your damn kids. (Ya’ll are the worse, CUZ YOU ACT LIKE YOU DON’T SEE THEM TEARING SHIT UP! I know you see them lil crumb snatchers running around this damn Walmart yet you pretend they’re not there. Leave them in the damn car with Mary mother of Jesus!)



People in General:

· Don’t make eye contact with me and WAIT til I say hello before you speak to me. (I’m liable to mug you until you walk away)

· I hate it when people fart in large crowd and don’t wanna warn a nig. (That’s fucked up, I gotta get surprised and it ain’t even my birthday. Remove yourself. But I love doing this)


· IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN PEOPLE TOUCH ME UNNECESSARILY. (If I don’t know you, you need not be inside my bubble furthermore if you touch me I’m allowed to touch you back. And mom dukes always said, “if someone puts their hands on you, you have the right to put yours back on them, harder.” Which means you’re liable to get knocked the fuck out.)



This shit was fun to vent. Be on the look out for some more of these…


L’Chaim……….. P!ed P!per

2 comments:

The Nomad said...

Love it....you never cease to amuse me with your words. Miss youu

Anonymous said...

i can't wait til u have kids and they are alllllllll out of control! hahahaha :)